A Little Variety

Sunday PM.

I realize that the day is almost at an end and I still haven't gotten anything back. I am a little unnerved because as much as he doesn't need to answer, I still did like talking to him. And he did say he missed me.

I decide to send something short and non-committal--"Hey, hope you're okay."
Immediately, I get a reply just as curt--"With the girl. Text later."

Well, I guess that makes sense. I did the same thing to him last night. I know I feel a little more bummed than I should that we haven't talked, but again not nearly the same as I would normally if it were my boyfriend.

I take this time to text that person.

"Hey babe, whatcha doing?"

No response. Now, I am feeling disappointed.

I try to watch some TV to distract myself. I spend about an hour watching some stupid reality TV show everyone has been talking about, while scrolling through a photo feed. But, it doesn't seem to be helping. Matt still hasn't messaged me back and now I am starting to freak out.

"Matt???" I send.
"Hellooo!"
"Are you there???"
"Where are you???"

I know I sound needy. But, it's the in between times I talked about. They get to me bad. Especially at night. And I used to have more friends before. But now since Matt and I started dating, I have only really spent time with him and his friends. And my best friend from middle school, Trixie.

Since our lives are so scheduled, I can never make solid plans with anyone else. So, a lot of people I had hung out with before just lost interest in making plans with me. And then on the days I am supposed to see Matt, I leave them open, so I can make sure I have time to spend with him. But if he bails on me, which happened often enough, I am left to my own devices with nothing else to do, because being in the city makes it hard to make any last minute plans.

My phone pings and I perk up. I am hoping it's Matt and that he maybe wants to hang out. It's not Matt.

"Hey, sorry about that. The girl and I were hanging. She's at work now. What's up?"
"Nothing too much. Been by myself for most of the day. How are you?"
"Still missing you."

My heart jumps a bit in my chest. I know I just said that I wanted it to be Matt, but this message still makes me feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.

I feel my face flush as I type, "Ha-ha, really? Why?"
"You're fun to talk to. I like talking to you, remember?"
"I do, but I thought you were just being nice." I don't really have experience with guys being so upfront about how they're feeling, so I still am wrapping my head around this idea.

"I was, but I also like talking to you."
"Well, I like talking to you too."
"You alone?"
"Yup :/." I frown on my end.
"Awww, well me too. Wanna hang? Kidding. It's late. Though...if you actually did want to."

I do want to. I'm lonely and still haven't heard from Matt. I know it's wrong, but sometimes when I'm left alone so much, I get into my head. I think about how he's not alone, and that he's with other friends; maybe he's even cheating on me. So, what's the difference? I mean besides this time. Late night meet ups--that's crossing the line, isn't it?

"Ha-ha, I would, but you're right. It is late. I have work tomorrow. :("

My phone rings a few seconds later. It's him.

"You know I never asked what you do."
"You're right. You're so selfish. Just kidding! I'm a personal assistant...secretary...whatever it's called nowadays. What about you?"

"Mmm, secretary sounds hot, ha-ha," he laughs, and I feel chills down my spine as I imagine his smile. "Well, me...I told you before I'm a musician. But that makes no money. Only free beer. So, I do odd jobs to pay my bills."

"Being a secretary is so not how media portrays it. There's a lot more coffee getting than they show. And yeah, duh about the music part. Sorry...Do you work a lot?"
"Less than I'd like to, but it is what it is."
"Well, I'm on the flip side. I work more than I'd like to. But bills are bills."
"True. Fuck bills."
I laugh, "I wish."
"Ha-ha, same." He cuts off and starts a new topic, "Are we still on for Tuesday?"

Holy shit. I had totally forgotten about Tuesday. Well no, not totally forgotten, but with everything happening between me and Matt, it did slip my mind a bit.

"Oh, um yeah," I stammer.
"You don't sound sure," he says with a questioning tone.
"Well, I mean of course I'm not sure. But I'd like to."
"Would you rather do something less date-like?"
I shrug, even if he can't see me. "What do you mean?"
"I mean like how we did the other day. Go for coffee or something similar."
"Maybe."
"Okay. How about we meet outside my apartment and we can take a walk or something."
"That works for me. Where do you live?"

He sends me the address. I know the street. I pass it when I walk to the train to get to work. We live so close to each other. It's only about a five-minute walk. I can't tell him this. I still don't know him that well and I don't want him to know where I live. Do I? And it's so close. We really could hang out now. But no. We can't. Right? Right.

"So, I guess I'll see you Tuesday."
"Yup, you'll see me Tuesday."
"Can't wait. Goodnight gorgeous."

I blush. Matt never calls me stuff like that. It's always either just my name, babe, or some stupid thing like 'poop head'.

"Goodnight. Sweet dreams."
"If they're of you, they will be."
"Stop ittt!" I can feel the heat in my face. He really makes me blush a lot.
"What, I'm serious," he says and it's like I can hear his smile as he says it.
"I am too. Go to sleep."
"Yes Mother."
"Funny. Goodnight."
"I know I am. Goodnight."

After we hang up, I feel butterflies zigzagging in my stomach. I never really get butterflies with Matt. I know I really love Matt, but I think it's mainly because we've just known each other so long. And he's really all I have. It's not that it's not exciting, not that it really is exciting, but he's the longest relationship I've ever had. I can't just give up on that.

I sigh and put my phone on my nightstand. It vibrates and I grab it to see if it actually is Matt this time. It's still not, but the message that I see makes my heart thump hard.

It's from him and it says, "XO."

My fingers hover over those two letters. I can't send them. I really can't. But, I really want to. And so, I do.

"XO." I press enter and close my phone quickly. And as I hold my phone to my chin, I smile.