A Little Variety

Wednesday (Late).

We are sitting on my couch gorging ourselves on the snacks he bought us.

I look at him before saying, "So, I never got to ask you. What were you doing at the noodle place? We went there yesterday."
He smirks at me, "I could ask you the same thing."
"Well, Matt finally said he'd go with me," I say all matter of factly.

"I just wanted to relive our night," he smiles.
"You're joking," I say seriously.
"I am. I just really wanted my noodles. I didn't ever expect to see you there."
"Well neither did I," I laugh.
He smiles, "But, I guess it's a good thing we both went. Otherwise we wouldn't be here.
"True. Though on the other hand, maybe if I had gone to Matt's, he wouldn't have ditched me."
"You shouldn't have to cater to him for him not to ditch you. You know that, right?"

I didn't. I always catered to Matt so that he'd be happier. So that we'd spend time together. And then I'd be happier. But he was making a lot of sense right now.

"I guess so. Yeah."
"Don't guess. Know."
"I'm trying. It's just hard," I sigh.
"I know it is. And I'm not the right person to say this stuff to you. I have my own interests in mind."
"What do you mean?" I look at him quizzically.
"You know what I mean..."
I'm still confused, because I'm not sure I am following his train of thought. "No. I mean not really."

"I like you," he says in a serious voice.
I try lightening the mood with a nudge and smile. "Well, I like you too."

"No. I like you. Like you," he says even more seriously.
My mouth forms a big 'O' and my face must turn a dark red when I say, "Oh."
"Yeah," he says and shakes his head a bit.

I'll be honest here. I like that he likes me. But, I also don't know how to process this information. We're supposed to just be friends. And yes, maybe sometimes with benefits. But, we told each other that it was just that. That we wouldn't actually fall for each other. And now he's saying this. And the other thing that I have to be honest about. I am falling for him too. But we couldn't really be a couple.

After some awkward silence, he says, "Sometimes when we're together, I wonder if we should actually be together."
"Really?"
"Yup."

The thought makes me feel warm inside. But, then I think about the actual fact of breaking up with Matt. Of starting over. Of so many different things. And what about his girlfriend? And what if we don't work? And what if we do? Or what if we do only for a little while? And is that worth losing Matt.?

A lot of people would say definitely yes, but Matt and I had so much history. And I really wasn't ready to let that go. Yeah, maybe not all times were great, but we love each other. At least I think do. And we had for so many years.

And maybe this was just infatuation. We weren't supposed to fall for each other. And it wasn't supposed to mean anything.

He's looking over at me now with concern.

"Are you okay? You're kind of all out there," he asks.
"Yeah, sorry. I'm just thinking."
"About?"
"About what you said. And look I know. I like you too. I like what we have. But...," I start.
He stops me, "No, don't say anything else. I know. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying that I like you. I like this. Let's keep it like this."
"Really?"
"Really," he says, but I can see a little hurt behind his eyes.
I'm not ready to go there at all, so I just end the conversation with, "Okay."

Things definitely feel different after this. Not bad per say, just different.

"Do you have work tomorrow?" He asks.
I do, but I'm curious as to what he's thinking. "Yeah, unfortunately. But I don't go in until 1:00PM."
"Can I crash here?"
"Um, yeah. Sure," I say. I really would like that. Especially after our first really awkward conversation. I like how we are; I just don't know where I want this to go--If I want it to go anywhere.

"Thanks, I am sleepy now and don't want to walk home."
"So you're using me," I joke to lighten the mood.
"Definitely," he laughs back.

I love his laugh. It's contagious and mesmerizing and sexy.

"I see how it is."

He laughs again and pulls me into a hug on the bed.

"I'm sorry," he starts.
"For what? And stop apologizing for nothing."
"I don't know. For getting emotional. Or something."
"What? No. It's fine. I mean, you didn't. I mean stop apologizing. It was nice to hear. And I like you too. We just are in a situation. But I like what we have."
"Me too. Seriously. Let's do this forever."
"Well, maybe not forever."
"Maybe...," he says, and he has a faraway look in his eyes.

I playfully hit his shoulder and he hugs me tighter. It's almost like he doesn't want to let go. It feels really nice, so I just let it be.

We watch a little more TV cuddled together on the couch. Then we head to sleep. I've never actually just slept in a bed with someone else who wasn't my boyfriend. This was different. And this was different than the usual us. After last night, we haven't really stopped touching or kissing each other, and we kind of go crazy at each other and it's like we want to just tear each other's clothes off, but tonight we just sleep next to each other.

He pulls me close into him and I feel him breathe me in. It feels comforting and warm. I can't really remember the last time Matt held me like this. He doesn't like sleeping close to each other so we kind of just share his huge Queen bed. Now, in a Full, I am snuggled up to someone else. And I feel closer to him. It isn't supposed to belike this. But, I don't hate it.