A Little Variety

Friday PM.

As I sit on the train, my mind starts wandering to Tuesday. What will he be like? Will we get along? We seem to already. Is he really as cute as his picture? Wait a second. Am I going to be kidnapped? Well, at least we'd be meeting in a public place. What am I doing?

"Hey!" Matt shouts to me.
"Hey you. You could have parked a little closer. It's pouring."
"You took long enough to get here."
"Sorry I got caught up," I say, guilt pooling in my stomach.
"Doing what?" He asks, while looking at his phone.
"Talking to a friend."
"Oh. Okay," he half responds, still looking down.

He's not even upset. I mean... Is he not curious at all? God, if I were him, I'd be giving him the third degree. But it doesn't even seem to faze him one bit. The guilt recedes a bit.

"Yeah."
He puts the car in drive. "Alright, Friday's here we come!"

I really feel like he doesn't care about me at all.

"Can I stay over tonight?" I ask hesitantly. It's almost as if I am always awaiting bad news.
"Yeah that's fine, but I have to meet the group early tomorrow morning, remember?"
"Wait what? When were you going to tell me?"
"I told you last week," he says with a huff.
I nod, but I am taken aback. He must have told me, but I don't really remember that. I honestly thought that we were supposed to hang out all day the next day. "I mean, yeah, I guess. But I thought we were going to spend the day together..." I am hoping he remembered that he had told me that.
"We can. I'm meeting them early. Sleep in and we can hang out when I get back."
"Okay. I guess. I was just looking forward to sleeping in with you," I say softly, trying not to frown. At least we'll have some time together.
"Sorry babe. Not tomorrow."
"Right."

He perks up suddenly when he says, "Also we're meeting up with the guys tomorrow night."
"Oh, um, okay. What are we doing?"
"Same thing as always, duh. Order food. Watch stupid movies."
"Okay," I am looking down as I say this. It's not that I don't like his friends. I do. I just really wish we could spend some time together. Alone and as a couple.
"You don't seem thrilled."
"Well, it's just we do that every Saturday."
"Well, duh, yeah, it's our thing. We get crappy food and then critique crappy movies."

By we, he means him and his friends.

"I know. I just...maybe one Saturday we can do something else?"
"Yeah, I mean if it's like something big, like a wedding or something. But otherwise, we told them we'd come every Saturday. The guys and I eventually want to turn our commentary into a podcast or like make videos of us so we can put it on YouTube or something and become famous."
"Oh, okay. That sounds fun," I say in as supportive of a voice as I can muster.

Why do I not speak up for myself? Ever?

I jump as I feel my phone vibrate in my purse on my lap.

"How's the date?"
"It's okay."
"Just okay?"
"Just okay."
"Hit me up later if you want to talk about it."
"Okay."

For some reason this message makes me smile. Is he checking in on me to see how I am doing? Does he care about me? Do I want him to? I want someone to, but the someone I want to, doesn't seem to.