A Little Variety

Wednesday (Late).

I have made it through almost the entire night bingeing on cookies and bad TV, but my brain refuses to shut out what it saw earlier in the day.

My slightly drunken brain decides that it needs to tell him.

"Hey." I send

'Don't respond. Don't respond.' I say to myself in my head.

He apparently didn't hear the thoughts in my head, because a message appears quickly.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Ummm, nothing...," I write. I am not sure how to approach this.
"Uhhh, okayyy," he says, and then adds a winky face.
"Are you busy?" I send before I can overthink it.
"Freebird."
"Okay." I respond, knowing full well what I am going to do, and knowing that if I tell him, I will talk myself out of it.
He responds with a, "?" but I have already grabbed my bag and walked out the door.

In about five minutes, I am standing outside of his apartment. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but it's also eating me from the inside.

"Hey can you come outside?" I send the message and wait.

A minute later, I see his confused face as he descends his staircase. He opens the door, and nods his head towards the stairs, wordlessly asking if I want to come in. I nod and follow him up.

When we get inside his apartment, he turns to face me.

"Ummm, what's up?" he asks, understandably confused.
"Sorry. Um. I just...," I am stammering and I can't help it.
He walks over to his couch and gestures to me. I take the cue and join him.
"Okay. I'll just say it."
He nods and waits for me to talk.
"I saw her. Your girlfriend."
"Okay...," he says slowly. "And?"

Here it comes, "I saw her kissing someone else.
He grimaces, but then shakes his head, "What?"
"I saw her today. By my job. She was with some other guy. And they were holding hands and kissing."

He looks at me bewildered.
"She's at work," is all he says.
"But, I saw her," I argue.
"Look, I'm sorry if things aren't going the way you want with your guy. But, the last we really talked you said you were going to try and move on. I just like, I don't know man, I don't appreciate you trying to stir things up on my end as a result."
"But," I start to say, but he stops me.
"I like you. Well, I mean I liked you. And I liked what we had. But you kind of made it clear. Especially when I saw you the other night. I know my girl and I have our own issues, but you don't need to make things up. Maybe you were right about us. We had what we had, but we need to move on."

It feels like a slap in the face.

Yes, I wanted him to know, but not to break them up. At least not on the surface. I just thought that as his friend, I want him to know because I care about him and don't want him to get hurt. And now he's throwing that back at me.

I get up.

He grabs my arm gently, "Hey, don't storm out. I'm just saying."
I shake his hand off. I feel annoyed and I want to leave. My intentions were good, albeit maybe not pure.

I walk towards the door to his apartment.
"Hey, don't leave. I'm sorry. I don't mean to come off this way, I just don't see what you're trying to do."
"I thought you missed me," I blurt out. I don't even know why.
"I mean I do, or I did. Or I don't know. It was a shock to see you the other day. I felt a lot of things when I saw you again."

I know what he means because I felt the same thing, but things feel different now. Or he seems different now.

"I shouldn't have said that," is what he continues with, and hearing him say that stings for some reason. I think I was happy when he told me he missed me, because as great as things currently were with Matt, I still did miss him too.
"So, why did you?" I say in an accusatory voice.
"Because, like I said, I was in shock when I saw you and a lot of feelings bubbled up."

"And now?"
"Well, you kind of blew me off."
"I was with my boyfriend," I say in a scathing tone.
"And I was with my girlfriend. So, I don't understand what we're doing right now."
"I don't either," I admitted.

I grabbed the door handle to his apartment. This was a bad idea and I shouldn't have come. I know that now.

I turn and look at him, "Sorry," is all I say and I walk out the door.