A Little Variety

Saturday.

I know it's probably the worst decision in the world. Plus, I have no idea what he might be up to, but I am so upset and the last thing that I want is to be alone.

I think about calling Trixie, but she just left, and even if she could come back, she'd be in the subway, and wouldn't get my call until she got to her apartment anyway.

I type out a message:
"Hi, um, it's not an emergency or anything. But, can you come here?"

I hit send before I can think about it too much.

I sit there, impatient, but only a few seconds later my phone pings.

"You okay? I just opened my eyes, but yeah, I can come there."

I let out a big sigh. Just the thought that he will be here calms my nerves a bit. He can take as long as he wants, I just am glad I won't be alone right now.

"Yes, and, well, no. I don't know," I send an honest response. I have no idea how I am feeling right now.

"Okay, gimme 10 minutes."

I toss my phone on the bed, and wait. I feel like crap and probably look like crap, but right now, I don't care. I have no strength to even make myself presentable right now.

Less than ten minutes pass by and I hear a knock at my door. He's here.

I let him in, and before I can say anything, he sweeps me up into a hug. I feel my shoulders start to shake, and as he holds me he strokes the top of my head.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," he says in a soothing voice.
"It's not though," I sob into his arms.

I back away from him, big tears falling down my face, and I'm sure snot coming from my nose from all the crying, and wipe at it with the back of my hand. I know for a fact that I look like shit.

"I need a tissue," I mumble.
Before I can walk to the bathroom, he stops me, and tells me to go sit on the couch.
He comes back a few seconds later with some tissues. I ungraciously blow my nose to clean up.

After getting some of the crying out, I actually am feeling a little bit better. Reality sets in a bit, and I feel self-conscious all of a sudden.
I stand up, "I um, must look like crap. I'm just going to wash my face."
He smiles at me, "You really don't. You just look like you had a bad day. We all have those. But, go ahead. I'll be here."

I go into my bathroom and put my hands on either side of the sink. I look at my reflection. He was being too kind. I look awful. My eyes are red, swollen, and puffy, with a light ring around them from yesterday's mascara. In my drunken stupor with Trixie, I had forgotten to wash my face before bed. My hair is slightly matted and definitely not brushed. And I am in the clothes that I do my indoor chores in.

I run the water until it gets warm, and splash my face a few times. I scrub away the makeup and tears. Then, I put on some moisturizer. I don't want to keep him waiting, so I skip on applying any makeup. I feel like I at least look a little better than when I walked in here, so even though he's being nice about my appearance, I figure he won't mind too much.

When I walk out, he's just sitting on the couch looking through his phone. He looks up as I approach the couch.
"Better?" he asks, and I nod.
"Yeah, thanks. Sorry about all that."
He shakes his head, "No reason to be. I'm glad I was around. I can't stay too long though, I'm sorry. I'm meeting with my girl."

I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but hearing him say those words feels like an arrow piercing me right through my midsection.
"Yeah," I say in as chipper of a voice as I can muster, but even I can sense the bit of dejection in my voice.

"I really would love to stay, I just...," he starts, but I stop him.
"No, stop it. I get it. And you don't have to say anything. I don't have any claim...," but, this time he stops me.
"That's not really true. At least not on my end."

I gasp. I mean I don't really know what we are. We are friends, but we are also definitely more than that. But, at the same time, we are not in a relationship, and most obviously we are not in anything exclusive.

"What do you mean?" I ask
"I don't know. I like you. Maybe more than like you. I'm not sure. I don't know what any of this means. I didn't expect to have any of these feelings."
I nod in agreement, as I didn't either.

There are so many thoughts that are funneling through my brain, and it's starting to all get fuzzy. As much as I wish he'd stay, I am not a blubbering mess anymore, and I think that I just need some time to myself. Something that I never thought I would need.

I look at him, "It's really okay. I am a lot better, thanks to you. We'll talk later. I promise."
A tiny smile crosses his face, "Okay. I'm glad you are better. I probably won't be able to check my phone too often tonight, but I'll be in touch when I can."

I push away the negative thoughts of being alone again, and walk him to the door.

He gives me a quick peck on the lips before he walks out. After I close the door, I turn around and walk into the kitchen. I turn my speaker on and put on some upbeat cleaning music.

Now that I am feeling a bit better, I decide I am going to clean up and try and turn my day around.