A Little Variety

Thursday (Early).

I wake up with a start. I am completely disoriented. Where am I?

I feel something next to me and look to my side. He is fast asleep. And then I realize where I am.

I immediately feel guilty. And we hadn't even done anything. Yet, I feel more guilty now than when I had slept with him.

This feels like more of a betrayal. Having someone else in my bed, with nothing physical happening. I don't know if Matt would agree or disagree, but he wouldn't even have the chance to, because he was never going to know about this. None of it.

I get up from my bed and turn on the kettle. I wait for the water to boil and make a cup of my favorite tea.

I sit with my mug at my kitchen table and look out of my window. It overlooks the street right below my window.

I sit there thinking for quite a bit.

When I met up with him originally, he helped me with so many small things. He met up with me whenever Matt left me alone and sad, came to give me a hug when I was feeling bad, bought some snacks and relaxed and watched TV with me when I needed a friend...And took care of some other needs, of course. Like a boyfriend does. But, he's not my boyfriend. Matt is.

Weirdly enough, the last act doesn't seem as much of a betrayal as all of the other things. Yes, of course, sleeping with someone else is cheating. But, having someone else dry my tears, be the one I go to when I am upset, or happy, or whatever emotion I am feeling...surely, it's worse? Would Matt agree? Would anyone agree?

I thought about how I would feel if Matt were me and I were him and I found out about a dalliance with another girl.

I'd definitely be furious that he would sleep with someone else. But, if he were to go to someone else and tell them about his life and his worries and everything... I feel like that would cut so much deeper.

I must be lost in my thoughts, because I don't hear him come into the kitchen.

"Penny for your thoughts," he muses.
"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind."
"Clearly from your troubled expression," he says in a jokingly serious voice.
"Do I really have one on?"
"Yeah, but it's cute."
"Funny, funny," I say, but there's no lightheartedness in my voice.
"You always seem to say that. But, in all seriousness, are you okay?"
"I don't know," I start to say.
"What's going on in that pretty little head?"

I blush. Even when I feel all out of sorts, he says really sweet things to me. And I know this is why I am thinking these thoughts.

"I don't think we should do this anymore."

He looks at me puzzled.

"Do what?"
"This. Whatever this is. Between us."
"Oh."

He looks utterly defeated. Like a little boy who just found out his puppy died.

I don't want to make him feel this way at all. Especially because he has done the exact opposite to me. But I just feel really confused and I don't like feeling like a bad person. I don't like doing this to Matt, even if he wouldn't show me the same courtesy. I don't believe in an eye for an eye.

"I'm sorry. Really, I am. I just...it's just getting to be too much."
He looks at me and sighs deeply, "No, I get it. I...it's...it's fine."

He walks away and heads towards my room. I follow him.

"Please don't be upset."
"I'm not. Well I mean I am. But not at you. At the situation. But I get it."

He starts to pack his stuff up, and now I feel like the one who just lost their puppy.

"I'll see you around, I guess," he says as he picks up his jacket from my floor and heads for the door.
"I...yeah, okay," is all I can get out.

I have no idea what to do with this now or how to make it better. I feel awful, but I also felt awful keeping this all from Matt.

"I'm sorry," is the only thing I seem to keep muttering.
"Stop saying sorry, please," he pleads with me.
"But I am. I really like you and care about you."
"I know me too. That's why I don't get this," he says with frustration in his voice.
"No, I know. I just feel so confused. I need to figure stuff out."
"Okay, I get it."
"Please...," I don't really know what to say, this feeling is just eating at me.
"Please what?"
"I don't know. Don't be upset at me."
"I said I wasn't. But, I'll be honest. This sucks."
"I know."
"Then don't do it," he says with such ease, it stings.
"I have to."
"Fine. If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

He pulls his bag on his shoulder and walks out my door.

I immediately start to cry. I feel horrible. This feels like a break-up. Actually, it feels worse than a break-up.

My phone pings.

"Want to hang out tonight? Gym got cancelled."

I look down at my phone. Usually news like this would make me smile. But, I don't feel like smiling.

I type a quick response. The only one I can muster without spiraling back into a waterfall of tears.

"Sure."

I don't even care if I see Matt tonight. I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me. But, then I think back to how I felt before he woke up. I wanted this. I wanted to get out of this. Right? Right. I need to focus on me and Matt. That's what it's about. My future.

"Okay, I'll pick you up at the train. What time are you out of work?"
"8:00PM. See you at 9:30PM."
"Ok. Cool. C u then."

I laugh a pitiful laugh. I don't even get a full text from him. 'C u then.' No 'I love you'. No 'I miss you'. Just 'C u then'.

I'm making the right decision, right? Plus, he has his girlfriend too. So, I shouldn't feel bad.

But I do. I really do.

At least I have work this afternoon so I can keep my mind off it. Mostly.