A Little Variety

Sunday

I am woken up by a light kiss on my forehead. He is leaning over me, fully clothed in his suit. I blink unaware of where I currently am.

"Good morning, little sleepyhead."
I rub my eyes, "What time is it?" My voice comes out in a crackle. I feel like the dead.
"It's 11:00AM," he says with a chuckle.

"What?!" I say my body shooting up.
"We must have tired each other out," his smirk has returned.
I smile back, recalling last night's events.

"Where are you..," I start to say, realizing that I really don't want him to leave right now.
He sits on my bed, and pushes the hair that's fallen in front of my face behind my ear.
"Oh, I just got back from getting us some coffee," he responds.

I feel the tightness I was just experiencing in my chest, relax with his words.
"You could have just made some here."
"I could have, but I really wanted a good cappuccino, and sadly, I cannot make that. So call me selfish," the creases in his smile are incredibly alluring, and all I am picturing is us repeating last night, not having coffee.

He looks at me, "What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

I give a sheepish smile, "Nothing..."

He shakes his head, and hands me my coffee. I breathe it in before taking a long gulp.

Okay, maybe I lied. This coffee is just what I needed at this precise moment. Maybe the other stuff can wait.

I sip at my coffee, while he takes his shoes off and climbs back in bed next to me.

It's a lazy Sunday morning, something I haven't had in the longest time. It feels good to not be jarred awake at 6:00AM to have to quickly take the subway back to my place after waking up at Matt's apartment before he heads to work. Instead, we lie in my bed, drinking our coffees and watching the sun peer through the curtains on my window.

After a while, I finally manage to pull myself out of bed. My stomach grumbles loudly, and we both laugh.

"I guess I am a little hungry," I say.
As if his body is in tune with mine, his grumbles in response, "Ah, looks like I am too."

We decide to order in some Chinese take-out, one of my favorites, and watch a silly romantic comedy.

As we sit and eat our food and watch the movie, I start to feel a little bittersweet. This is the exact kind of relationship that I want with Matt. But, instead of Matt, I am sitting here with someone else. Matt is at the Con right now, not here with me. And even if Matt wasn't at the Con, he'd be at work. Not that I don't like that he works or that he's motivated or anything, but he only works a few hours there, and he hates it. He's been threatening to quit for ages now.

A lot of times, I feel that Matt and I are just on different pages. I know that relationships take time and patience, but it just seems like when we were friends, we seemed to be on the same page a lot more than we are as a couple.

When we were friends, I felt like I saw him more, and that he wanted to spend more time with me. Now, I just feel like a nuisance; a nagging girlfriend; someone he would rather just not have around, except on rare occasions. And when I start to feel that way, I wonder why he's even with me, or why I am even with him.

But, then there are times, infrequent, but still there, that I feel like we go back to our old ways—where he listens to me, and makes me feel special, and we get along, and I don't feel like a burden, but someone who he actually wants to be around.

And those rare times keep me with him.

My phone that is sitting on my nightstand goes off.

Matt must have known I was thinking about him because it's a message from him.

"We won for best costume!" it reads. It's agroup text to me and a bunch of other numbers I don't know. And there isanother photo attached of Matt, Pete, Tom, and the girl in costume. The girl.Again. Who is she?

I feel a bubble of jealousy rising in the pit of my belly. He has never once mentioned her, and I just have so many questions. And as much as I want to question him about her, not only do I not want to do that through text, but also, there is someone else in my bed.

"You okay?" he asks in a kind voice.
"Um, yeah, sorry. I'm fine." Even I can tell my speech is distracted.

"What's up?" he says, tilting his head to the side.
"I don't know," I say as I feel tears that I am desperately trying to fight off. "Matt just sent me a message. He's out of town at this event, and he sent me a picture of him and his friends. And he has his arm around this girl I've never seen."

I feel a tear fall down my cheek. I know I am being a complete hypocrite right now, but I am still hurting. All I can think is that if I had said I'd go to the Con, maybe it would be me that he had his arm around, not this girl.

"Hey, hey," he soothes. But I am full on crying now.
"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be upset. I mean here I am with you, and..."
"Nah, I understand. I'd be just as hurt if I saw my girl like that too, and here I am."

We were both being hypocrites. But, for some reason, it didn't feel that way.

I knew I wouldn't see Matt until Wednesday, but I was making it a plan to talk to him. I had finally decided that it was in fact, time to take a break.