A Little Variety

Thursday.

I have to get to work in a few hours. Luckily, ever since the event I had, my boss has given me even more responsibilities and discussed my future promotion. It has definitely taken on a whole new meaning for me, and not that I disliked my job before, but now I feel excited and energized to go in. I need this, as it has been a whirlwind of a night and my emotions are going crazy.

Matt has been consistently messaging me since I broke it off, and my defenses are wearing. I know what we had wasn't perfect, but I am starting to miss him, and his constant promises of change might actually be real this time.

The guy has been checking in on me too, which has been nice. I feel like I kind of blew him off last night, so I am glad that he didn't take it personally. It's nice to know that in some ways it's more than just a friend with benefits. He's actually a good friend to me, too.

I put my work outfit on, grab my purse and head out to catch the train. My stomach grumbles loudly, so I decide to stop at the bodega on the corner to get a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich to snarf down on my way to work.

When I walk into the bodega, I see his girlfriend, and stop dead in my tracks. A part of me feels a spike of jealousy knowing that he ended up spending the evening with her, after coming over to console me, but then I realize that I have no reason to be jealous. This rationalization works for only a millisecond, though.

I do feel a bit of pride knowing that he was messaging me while he was with her, but she's still his girlfriend, not me.

Since she obviously has no idea who I am, I sidle up next to her and instinctively compare the two of us. Our appearances are more similar than I had thought, though she definitely seems more put together than me, and taller. Although I am in my work clothes, I always choose comfort over form, where it seems as she does the opposite; she is in an Instagram worthy outfit that I can only dream of. She also has an air of confidence that I know I have never had, and maybe that's what he prefers in her over me.

After I get my sandwich, I leave the bodega, and think about everything that was just swirling around in my head. Why should I care about how he feels about me vs. his girlfriend? I know we aren't even in a relationship. But, now without the Matt cloud hanging over my head, I feel like I am starting to actively think about other options.

And, though this guy has not really been an option, nor is he really an option, I know I do have feelings for him. I mean that's why I'm thinking these things isn't it? That's what the jealousy is? Why I am comparing myself to his actual girlfriend?

I shake my head to shake the thoughts out of my head and walk into work. I cannot be actually thinking this. I know that I have to focus on me, and what I am going to actually do about Matt once we talk again.