A Little Variety

Thursday (Noon).

I wake up groggily and it takes a lot of strength to open my eyes. When they finally open and I am slightly more awake, my senses are zapping. The smell coming from my kitchen is intoxicating. A breakfasty smell wafts through the air and hits me square in the nose.

I pull on a big sweater and tromp into the kitchen. His back is to me and he is bent over the stove.

"What's cooking, good looking?" God I am such a loser.
He turns around and smiles. "Morning gorgeous. How did you sleep?"
Even with my major headache, I seemed to have slept pretty well. "Good," I answer.
"Just good?"
"Great," I smirk in his direction.
"Me too. I like sleeping next to someone."
"Do you not sleep with your girlfriend?"
He looks at me bashfully. "I sleep with her, but we don't sleep together. She doesn't really like staying with me."
I look up at him confused. "What? Sorry. I don't mean to be brash, but what?"
"I don't know. She just doesn't like it."

Suddenly, my problems with Matt don't seem so bad. At least we still share a bed. Even if he snores.

"I'm sorry," is all I can come up with.
"It's okay. It just sucks."
"Yeah."
"Hey, cheer up. I had a good night's sleep. No need to be mopey."

I make a cheesy fake smile at him and lean into his side.

"So, what do we have here?"
"Coffee, with a splash of milk and two sugars, just the way you like it."

He remembered. I've been with Matt for 2 years and he still had no idea how I liked my coffee. I knew how he liked his, but I don't know if he didn't care or didn't pay attention to mine. This thought pushes a thorn into our already flawed relationship.

"Yeah," I blush as he hands me the mug. It's perfect.
"Okay, and we have some pancakes. Don't make fun of the shape. I'm not good at making them round. And some bacon. Fat and grease included. I didn't make eggs because I didn't know how you like them, but if you tell me, I'll make them next time."

Will there be a next time? This time wasn't supposed to be a thing. But, I am happy it is.

"Hey, you alright?" he asks.
"Yeah, sorry. Just in my head."
"Is this too much?" He looks concerned.
"No, no. It's not that. Well it is. But I mean I really like this, so it's not that. I just..."
"I know. Don't worry. Sometimes I feel the same way."

We are in the same boat. We do like each other, but we're with other people. And as much as our other halves may annoy us and bother us and not be a perfect fit, they're still ours. He gets it. I get it. And that's why as amazing as this is, it still sucks.

We stay silent for a bit, while I set the table and he brings the food over.

I hold my mug to his. "Cheers," I say.
"Cheers...to...I don't know. Us, I guess."
I cringe but laugh, "To us."

The food is delicious and homey and familiar.

We still haven't said much, but I am not a fan of this silence. We usually talk a lot. This feels awkward.

"So-..."
"I-..."

We both stammer at the same time.

"You fi-..." we say at the same time again.

He waits and lets me talk.

"So, well, I was going to ask what your plans are for today?"
"Oh, I was going to see what you were doing."
"Nothing," we both answer at the same time and laugh.

This feels better. This feels more natural. This feels like us.

"Well," he starts. "What would you like to do today?"
"After I shower this hangover off? Ummm, do you want to take a walk?"
He looks at me, "You sure? I mean...outside?"

I immediately get offended. Does he not want to be outside with me?

I must be giving off some kind of vibe, because he backpedals. "I just mean, you were really nervous about people seeing us before, so I just didn't want to like...," he stammers.

I calm. He's right.

"No, it's okay. A walk is fine. We just can't hold hands."
He pouts playfully. "Fine! But I get to hold it while we're inside. Deal?"
"Deal." I laugh with him.

He grabs my hand from across the table, and plants a kiss on the top of it.