Young, Gay, Love

Chapter 1: Flashback

No one knows when they are gonna fall in love. Nobody has a clue how it begins, or how to explain those sparks you get when you see his eyes. When you feel his lips pressed to yours, or feel the the hairs on the back of your neck stand up on end when he talks about how hot he or she is. No one can describe the emotions one feels when he tells you I love you, or the primal instinct that takes over when someone else talks to your man. But at the end of the night when the war is over there is the aftermath. And there is no one to blame, but love itself.

I remember the first time tears came to my eyes when my heart was broken. He told me I wasn't hot enough to date him. I remember that weekend his ex took him back and I found out through a mutual friend. I was in the woods screaming and punching a tree that I pretended was his face. I was throwing and beating limbs against the other trees as they stared in shock at how someone so little could just lose it. I'll tell you love can do that to someone even if it wasn't mutual. The last thing I remember before blacking out was someone's arms around me telling me it'll be okay.

I almost forgot to introduce myself, my name is Sam Lee and I am what you call a gaysian; a gay Asian. I weigh 108 lbs. and I am only a 5'6". I am as skinny as a toothpick with a soft heart and an attitude as scary as chihuaha. I don't like to confront people, but if I have to you know I'm not messing around. I like to think of myself like a Dad to all my friends, but I'm still growing up. Meaning I still make bad choices and like to drag my friends along. I'm 20 and I don't have very many friends, because I learned a lesson someone should learn at an early age. Everybody can't be your friend and neither should they be. Pick wisely and go from there.

As I fell into the darkness I remembered the first time I knew I was gay. Well, not the very first time because I always knew I was gay. Always having that nagging thought that I was different than the other boys. How I prefered to stay in the house cooking with my mom. Making makeshift dresses out of my mom's aprons and put together pretend braids made out of clip-on bow ties. My parents had a feeling I was gay, but they didn't tell me until high school. I'm jumping ahead of myself. We'll get to that bit after I tell you when I knew I liked boys.

It was summer camp of '01 and I was walking around alone. I didn't know how to make friends, because the girls didn't like boys and the boys thought I was weird because I talked and walked like a girl. But then I was approached by one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. His name was Casey and he liked to swim. He said hi and I was so nervous I could barely muster a word out of my clumsy lips.

"Do you like to swim?" Casey asked. When he talked he had a smile that reminded me of pure white sand. His hair was a golden messy brown that made my eyes want to stay open til they burned because I was so dazzled by how it looked so perfect. But what struck me as impossible was how blue his eyes were. They were as blue as the lake at camp and the green specks reminded me of seaweed. Oddly enough his eyes reminded me of the movie 'Flipper' with Elijah Woods. Not just the scene where they swam together, but the whole movie.

"Y-y-y-yeah... I like to chim. I mean I-I-I-I like to to I like-"

"You like to swim." He laughed.

How could someone be so perfect. The way his voice rolled so smoothly like the waves hitting a beach on a hot, windy, July day.

Chuckling he continued, "Why are you so nervous. I'm not going to bite. Come on lets go down to the beach. The other campers are still unpacking and I'm bored."

"S-s-sure." I stuttered. Gosh darnit Sam I was thinking to myself. Use your words before you make a complete fool of yourself. And at that moment I ran straight smack into him. Not just into him, but knocked him off balance. As we fell I could not help, but just imagine how this played out. Us rolling down the hill onto the beach and how he grabbed onto me so we were tumbling over each other. And how we stopped with me ontop of him. His eyes. They were so close to mine.

"You can get off now." He said with that brilliant smile.

As I was standing up trying to avoid getting sand in his face he said, "My name is Casey and yours is?"

"My name is Sam." Finally no stuttering. Getting my act together. But why should it matter? I don't like boys because that's wrong.

"Sam. That's a really cute name." Bringing me back to reality. "So where are you from?"

"Greenville." I answered. He just laughed and replied, "I meant are you from China? Because you're Asian."

I knew that as I mentally slapped myself. "I'm from Seoul, South Korea."

"Sweet!" Casey replied, "So wanna get walking so we're not just standing here?"

I was so not smooth today I thought to myself.

"Hey, don't be sad. I was just saying lets walk." He was smiling again. His eyes were looking into mine and I could not help, but smile. It's so weird how this guy I just met knew so much about me already. How did he know what I was thinking? And why did he care how I felt? These questions came to my mind, but flew away. Being with Casey didn't make me care about what others thought, or how I thought of myself. He just made me happy.

"You're not much of talker." He said, "That's alright my Ma told me I liked to listen to my own voice whatever that means." He started for the beach still talking about his family. I followed with wonder and for the first time I was doing something without knowing why. I followed because I was curious and curiousity was dangerous thing to have when you don't know what the outcome will be.