Young, Gay, Love

Chapter 49: Truly, Madly, Deeply

“Hey.”

James came into my room and sat down on my bed.

I was facing my wall and refused to look at him.

“Are you alright?”

He started rubbing his hand softly on my back and he sounded like he was genuinely worried.

My eyes closed because I was trying to hold back tears. It’s been a month since the incident and I felt like I never left this bed. Except when my parents made me sit at the table to eat, or go look for a job. I never did either of those things. I would take a couple bites of food and go throw that up. And when I had to go out and look for a job I would just drive the car a couple miles down the road and stare out at the woods that he raped me in, then go home.

“Hey buddy, you haven’t talked to any of us and we are worried about you. Are you alright?”

James was a like a brother to me. Well, more than that. I loved him with all of my heart and it hurt to think that I didn’t trust him enough to talk about this.

His hand stopped rubbing my back and he pulled the sheets back and gasped. There were still healing bruises from Merkley.

“Sam.”

His voice turned angry really fast. But it wasn’t an aggressive anger. It was more of like a quiet, brewing, storm kind of anger.

“Who did this?”

Tears started to form and take their course down my face and my body responded with a trembling I couldn’t control.

I then felt James lay next to me and just hold me as I let out sobs. I forgot how to cry and here I am taking it all in.

How helpless I felt when I said no, the cold ice that cut my feet, how I felt violated and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He built up barriers not just in my mind, but also within my soul.

“Sam, you need to tell me what is going on. I-I don’t know what to do. Why didn’t you tell any of us to help you? Why didn’t you come to us? Why-“

“Because no one was there to protect me!” I exclaimed. “No one. No one could do anything and not even me! ME! I couldn’t protect myself.” I was so now soaked with the tears shallowly drowning me face.

“But I could of-“

“No.” I cut him off again and this time my face turned stone cold. “There was nothing you could of done.

A feeling a numbness engulfed my insides and I grew cold. I felt a great wall grow between us.

“Sam. Don’t do this.” James voice cracked. He hated it when I shut him out. His heart was so big for me and yet I wouldn’t let him in.

His embrace tightened around me. As if he could melt the ice that grew in my body.

“Get out of bed.” James pulled the sheets off of me and I tried to grab them, but he pulled blankets and all off of the bed.

He opened my closet and pulled out an oversized cashmere sweater Ruehl, Abercrombie skinny jeans, argyle socks from TJ Max and a tank top from H&M. He left the room with the socks and some underwear from American Eagle and came back with my leather Clark’s and put them by the vent in my room to make them warm and toasty.

I just looked at him like he was crazy.

“Get in the shower. I will be in there as soon as the underwear and socks are nice and warm from the dryer. I know you like it when your undergarments feel like they loving you back.”