Young, Gay, Love

Chapter 4: Cold Showers

"Uhm, stop." I exclaimed.

"What. Why?" Casey asked. Totally confused and he had every right to be.

"What's going on? Like why is my... you know what. Reacting. Like." Totally confused, humiliated, I just shut down. I sat down while the water was falling over from the shower.

"Hey, Sam just talk to me." Casey softly said. It's going to be alright. Just take a deep breath and talk it out with me."

"I'm just confused to these feelings. Like I'm supposed to be into girls, but I have never felt the way I have felt with girls. But with you it's completely different. I feel like the earth is moving, but I'm standing still. I feel like my body is electrified, but there is not electrical spark. When I'm with you there is no sadness. No worries. Just-"

"Bliss? I know what you're talking about." Casey interjected.

"So is this wrong?" I said with a crack in my voice.

"Yes, unfortunately. I don't know how to tell my Mom. My Dad left her for his best friend and it tore her up. Plus, I have a girlfriend." He looked so beaten up. Looking into his eyes I knew he's been through more than he should be.

"Maybe we should pray about it." I said trying to bring some hope to our circumstances.

"Good idea." Casey replied and smiled.

And we prayed in the shower. Lying there naked, bare skin, and the water running cold. We were reaching out to God looking for answers. Confused, torn between the morals He and our parents have set before us. What was right and what is wrong. Listening to the voices and following the feelings our body set before us doesn't seem so right. But how do we fight the temptation of our flesh at such a young age. We are just trying to understand how to live in a world that has more questions than answers.

Our prayer ended and we were cold now. All hot water gone and emotions frozen like the blood in our heads. We dried off with Casey's towel and put on our pjs.

"Can we share a bed Sam?" Casey asked.

"Of course but we'll have to put a bed together because they aren't big enough for both of us." I replied. If you were there could see we were struggling, but there was nobody to give us answers. And God was silent at the moment.

We both grabbed onto one of the bunk beds and brought it next to other.

As we laid there looking at the bed springs of the top bunks we embraced each other. Looked in another eyes and knew no matter what anyone said, or did we were doing something right. Defying all the odds and all the voices in my head I leaned in for his lips. And there was the kiss.