Our indelible pasts|✔

sixty two - bryson

INCONSISTENCY. INCONSISTENCY HAS been the most consistent theme in the entirety of my life. I was born into the home of an addict and a gang member who both just couldn't seem to grasp the concept of family planning. Family planning would have avoided the mess that the foster system put Hazel and I in. We were honestly better off just not being born.

We lived in Chicago. Englewood to be specific. Gangs ruled that corner of the city from what I remember. I also remember what people used to say all the time there; 'Kill or be killed.' For our dad, it was the latter. He was shot to death in a gang fight when I was just 5. Hazel was only 2. That left us with mom–the crack, heroin and just-about-anything-deadly addict. She eventually, and not so unexpectedly died of an overdose only three months after dad had died.

Our childhood was practically over at that point...but not entirely. Our only other living relative that knew of us, our grandmother, took us in. She was the exact opposite of her son, Hazel and I's dad. She was always more on the calm and loving side when all that dad knew was street talk and how to throw firsts. She was honestly the best thing that happened to us, living with her and all. Our lives got so much better. We felt so much safer. Even waking up in the morning was something to actually look forward to. But that was until grandma's diabetes got the best of her. I was 6, and Hazel 3, when the world robbed us of her.

That then took us into the hands of the oh so beautiful foster care system. From then on it was terrible home, after terrible home every year and sometimes, after every few months. The only bright side to look at was that Hazel and I were able to stay together all that time. But that too, just like everything else, that didn't last either.

You don't have to look too hard to see the pattern here. Nothing truly ever lasted for me. And now, the most beautiful, and up to date most constant thing in my life, might just be slipping away too. And I do not have a single clue on what to do about it.

It's been two weeks of Sandra and I not talking. We haven't even seen each other. That's a whole fortnight of not getting lost in those beautiful, green eyes.

If someone asked me right now if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't even be able to answer that question because I truly do not know. And I absolutely hate that.

In my entire life, there have only been three people who I'd end my life for in a heartbeat. My grandma, Hazel, and Sandra. And so far, I have lost my sweet, sweet grandma to death, Hazel to the unknown and Sandra...Sandra to another lover. At least that's what all the signs point to.

This stupidly constant inconsistency in my life is now suffocating me and I just want out. There is literally nothing I want more. All I want is to be living life happily, reunited with my sister and having a long-term relationship with the love of my life. Is that really too much to ask for?