Our indelible pasts|✔

fifty three - kiana

KAYLA WOULD HAVE loved being able to be in the rush of New York every day. We visited the city a couple of times while we were younger with my dad, and Nia and Noah's family and it was always our favourite place to go to. The dream for all four of us was New York, but only three of us actually got to live out that dream.

Despite all the bullshit, New York has been an absolute blast, I won't lie. But if my best friend was here with me, it would be more magical than even the moment that Eugene showed Rapunzel the lanterns, or when Allie remembered Noah one last time as they laid in the hospital bed together. It would surpass those two iconic moments for sure.

When we were in LA for her death anniversary , a bit before we left, I went into Kayla's room. It was crazy how it still smelt like her after all these years, and I love that everything was left exactly how it was when she was last in there. While I was soaking it all in, I ended up finding her journal hidden between a stack of books.

I used to find it so weird how she liked journaling. I don't think there was ever a day she didn't write in her journal. I just couldn't wrap my head around how someone can detail their entire day, each day, in some book. That honestly seems like a lot of pointless work. But when I found it that day, I was so grateful that she used to journal.

"You know I want you to, but you also know that you're only allowed to read this when I die." She used to say. "Only then."

I'd insist that I'd die before her, but that's just another one of the arguments I lost to her.

I have been reading the journal these past few days we've been back in New York, and the number of times she mentioned New York in it is insane. She'd be like 'when I get to New York...' and, 'I remember when we went to New York and...' and 'New York can't seem to get here fast enough'.

There's a necklace I've been wearing around my neck since her funeral, it used to be hers. That necklace, along with her camera, was always with her. The necklace helps me feel like she's with me everywhere, like she never truly left. So in a way, it feels like by always having it on me, I'm helping her live her New York dream.

"No way that just-" Noah is interrupted when his phone starts to ring. "It's mom. I'll be back."

"Cool, cool." I hit pause on the remote as he gets up to go to the balcony. "Say hi for me."

The call might take a while, knowing the kind of bond Noah and his mom share, so I decide that to pass the time as I wait, I'll continue reading Kayla's journal.

I walk to my room, remembering that's the last place I had it.

"There you are." I spot it on my bedside table, grabbing it before heading back to the living room.

Comfortably back on the sofa, blanket draped over my caramel legs, I open the journal to the page where I left off. Only as I read my way through it, I learn that this entry is not one to look forward to. Instead, it's one to run chills through my spine and fill the blood in my veins with nothing but anger.