Our indelible pasts|✔

thirty eight - kiana

NO, I DID not overreact. Bryson seeing me at Wyatt's place is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. Okay, maybe not the worst, but close enough.

I don't really know Bryson so I don't know how much I can really trust him. And by now, Noah probably knows which means Nia's like ten seconds from finding out and we're right back to senior year.

Kayla's death is what lead me into this deep hole of...addiction. It's where it all started. I completely lost my shit and turned to weed and alcohol. I don't think there's a day during my junior year I went to school sober–apart from the weeks before she died. It became routine to spark a blunt every morning and sip vodka throughout the day.

Noah and Nia never tried to stop me...they in fact joined me some days. We were all dealing. I was just dealing in a more unhealthy way than them. Noah's drug was sex–after he and I broke up that is. He became more dedicated to his sex life than he had ever been to basketball, or anything for that matter. As for Nia, she was doing what both Noah and I were doing just not as much as us. But she also fell back on her eating disorder.

So yeah, we were a big mess junior year. That year was probably the one year in our lives that we were most distant from each other, especially me from them. Seeing that Noah still had his twin and Nia hers, was one of the most painful things for me to come to terms with. Up till this day, it sometimes stings.

Mid senior year is when we tried to get our shit together. Key word being tried. That's the year we made the deal that I broke not too long after. My part of the deal was to cut off on the binge smoking and drinking but not completely. The deal was for it not to be an everyday thing, just once in a while. And I was always supposed to tell them when I wanted to. They'd either join me, or we'd find something better to do. Better usually consisted of movies and sleepovers, like the old times. Like when Kayla was still alive.

For a couple of months, I managed to stick with it. But when graduation neared, the reality that Kayla wasn't going to experience it for herself took me right back to square one. Whenever I knew I was going to be alone for a sensible amount of time, off to space I went. It created a lot of tension between us.

I tried to quit it when I made it to college, but it didn't last too long...clearly.

So the last thing I need right now is Noah and Nia finding out. I don't need them worrying about me. Not now. And not again. And the last thing I need is for us to start fighting again simply because I can't get my shit together.