forty four - kiana

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DEATH. THE WORLD'S least understood and most feared, yet most anticipated experience. It takes as it pleases, without a care of the detrimental effect it has on the ones being left behind. Sometimes it lurks around, letting you know that it's close. That it's coming. And other times, it creeps in, at the most unexpected time, and in the most sudden way, snatching away life.

Brutal.

And grief? Grief is the never ending feeling that feels like the end of the world. It gnaws at ones' soul, bit by bit, with the motive to take everything away and leave only a pit of nothingness. Just a dark, empty, hole. There are days grief allows you to think that you're getting over it, that you are in fact winning. But in that moment that you're feeling more free than you have felt in a while, it comes right back with the speed of lighting and an unbearable force, snatching away all hope.

Absolutely brutal.

I woke up sleep deprived today feeling like it was a good day to just end it all. Erase my entire existence because really, what's left for me to live for? Three years ago today, the world was ripped of its most amazing human being and with her, went my will to live.

Three years ago today, I lost my best friend...my world...my everything. And last night, last night I lost my mind. It was a long night of tossing and turning...nightmares, and not so pleasant lucid dreams. All the memories from that day played over and over and over in my mind. A constant loop of torture. It felt like there was a war in my mind, and I didn't have the right weapons, or the strength to put up a fair fight. I was losing. Badly.

As I get out of my bed, my entire body feels heavy and it takes quite a lot of my energy to make it to my bathroom. Looking into the mirror, I see my eyes are swollen, and red, an all too clear indication of my exhaustion, and the waterfall that escaped me last night.

I'm about to splash my face with water but I stop myself.

"This is pointless." I mutter to myself before trudging back to bed.

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