Our indelible pasts|✔

fifty nine - kiana's indelible past

"I JUST DON'T understand why, and I won't lie and tell you it doesn't bother me." Noah's face shows nothing but pain and confusion, and I hate seeing him like this. I hate seeing him like this when it's my fault.

"If it bothers you so much then just go find someone who can do all those things with you." I throw my hands up in frustration, saying the opposite of how I actually feel.

"Ki, when will you get it in your head that I don't want anybody else?" He narrows his eyes at me. "All I want is to understand why you flinch every time I try to hold you. I thought that you wouldn't do that once we started dating."

I look down at the floor, not having the strength to look at him.

"I can't even kiss you, and I don't even know why. And you're my girlfriend." As he speaks, his voice cracks. "And I'm not saying that this relationship is pointless without those things, because it's not. I just want to understand." When I stay quiet, he continues. "And I've never known how to bring this up but...I've noticed something." He shakily sighs before continuing. "Are you scared of your dad?"

The moment he says that, I avert my gaze from him.

"See?" He says and I look back down. "You tense up every time someone mentions him, and you just switch off whenever he's around. What's that about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lie.

"Kiana if there's something going on you can tell me. You know that right?"

I nod my head slowly. "I know. But there's nothing to tell."

"It's like you forget that I know you. We've been best friends since forever, I can tell when something's wrong; when you're lying."

We both stay quiet for a few minutes, and he sits next to me, patiently waiting for me to explain myself. Only I won't. I can't. I wouldn't even know where to start.

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

"Noah?" I hit pause on the remote.

"Mmh?" He answers from beside me.

I feel my palms sweat as I muster up the courage to start.

"Yeah Ki?" Noah calls to me when I stay quiet for too long, confused.

"It started when I was six." I start, voice shaky.

"Huh? What are we talking about?." Noah asks, and I can feel his heavy gaze on me as I keep my eyes trained on my now sweaty fingers.

Ignoring him, I continue. "Mom had travelled out of the country with some friends, so it was just Kay, dad and I. I...I was in bed, all tucked in. This was when Kayla and I were still sharing a room." I feel my heart violently hammering in my chest as I get closer to the point. "Kayla was asleep. I knew that cause she used to snore back then...you remember her breathing problems. I don't know why I couldn't sleep but I just stayed in bed, just waiting to drift off. Then I heard the door open, so I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep so I couldn't get in trouble. It was way past our bed time." I struggle to take a few deep breaths before continuing. "I felt him climb into my bed and I kept pretending to be asleep. I thought he was just going to spend the night there, not wanting us to be scared or something but..." I trail off.

"He started touching me, over my clothes. That went on for a couple of minutes until...until he slipped his hand under my dress." I stop and try to catch my breath as I try hard not to lose control. After about a minute, I continue. "When he touched me there, I remember being so confused but...I was really scared. He kept fiddling with me and I think..."

"Ki-" Noah is about to say something, but I stop him.

I have to finish, or I'll never talk about it again. No. Regardless of whether I finish or not, I am never talking about it again.

"I think that he was touching himself with his other hand." I rush the words out of my mouth. "It wasn't the only night it happened. It happened almost every week, at least once every two weeks for a couple of years. And then a couple of weeks after my tenth birthday, he...he called me to his office."

"Kiana."

"Please, let me finish." I say quietly.

"Okay."

"That was the first time he did more than just touch me. He...he...he did everything to me. And he didn't stop. He never has. And I don't know if he ever will." I say the last part quietly, doing my best to make sure that I don't burst into tears.

We both stay quiet, not knowing what to say. The silence is so thick, all we can hear is our light breathing.

"Who is this person?" Noah finally asks.

"Take a guess."

"I don't want to say it." He says, voice raspy.

"I know."

I know that him saying it's my dad changes everything. He's looked at my dad as a father figure since he was a little kid, it seems impossible to believe that he would do such a thing.

"I'm so sorry Ki." Noah says, and I can tell he's battling with himself about what to say.

"Me too." I swallow, and a tear falls down my cheek. "Me too."