Our indelible pasts|✔

two - bryson

GROWING UP, I didn't believe in fate. Never. True love and all that nonsense. It seemed like a lot of other people had it going on for them, like it was actually working out for them. Not against. So maybe, what I really didn't believe was that I could ever be as lucky as them–lucky enough to have fate on my side. Truth be told, I once did. Not so long ago actually. It was just two days ago when I did.

See, Sandra and I have been dating for a bit more than a year now. She was my first girlfriend so my expectations were not too high. But as for her, I wasn't her first. That really put me on edge during our first few months together. I was always questioning everything I did and how I acted around her. My every move was planned. Always wondering if some other guy already did it for her, and better even. I was constantly on my toes trying to be the best she's ever had even when I didn't know how to be a boyfriend in the first place.

Over-obsessive? Yeah, I know.

On the other hand, Sandra always tried her best to get me to understand that I was "perfect" as she puts it. Always the sweetheart, she was probably just trying to make me feel better about myself all the while knowing she's had better. Sandra can see a grown man drawing possibly the world's worst attempt at an art piece but will try her hardest to let him know he's the next Vincent van Gogh. She loves to make people feel good...happy...like they're worth so much. So of course it's okay for me to think she was probably lying to me every time she told me I was the "perfect" boyfriend. And it's probably the truth. I'm far from perfect no matter how hard I try to be. And she knows it too. She has to.

Talk about self-pity.

When she told me that her ex was around, it didn't bother me. If anything, I couldn't care less. As far as I was concerned, as much as her and her ex were cool, there was nothing for me to worry about because it wasn't like the two were friends. It was when she asked me if I was okay with her meeting up with him to "catch up" that I realised that I might as well be a dead man. I was hell-bent on saying no, my insecurities hitting the roof, but my smart self said that I was completely okay with it. I even told her to "have fun." Have fun? Who says that to their girlfriend when they're going to meet up with their fucking ex? You got it right, only an idiot. And that idiot is me.

I spent the rest of that day telling myself that I had nothing to worry about. And wondering why the hell I told her that I was okay with it when I'm clearly not. What in the world was I trying to prove? That I trust my girl completely? That I know that the effect I have on her is too strong for her to be phased by another guy? Even if it's one of her exes? The only one that was actually good to her from what I know?

So basically, I spent the rest of that day tearing myself apart and trying so desperately to not let my insecurities overshadow the trust I have for Sandra. It's safe to say I'm not doing too well...clearly.

What makes it worse for me is that I made it even worse for myself yesterday. When we were looking for a movie to watch last night, she asked me again for clarity. Checking to see if I was still okay with it. She even told me that she can cancel if I have even the slightest bit of discomfort. But guess what I told her! My exact words were; "I love that you're meeting up with him. It's a great idea. And I hope you two have a great time, really. I love and trust you."

Like, what? I'm in shock too.

Istraight up lied to her...well, other than that last part. I was probably moreshocked by my own words than she was. She searched my eyes for the truth but Idid well to hide it, I don't even know why. I could have stopped her from goingtoday, but I didn't. I couldn't even stop her when she put on one of mysweatshirts over some jeans that hug her subtly perfect curves perfectly andasked me yet again if I was still okay. I told her, "You should go." Gowhere Bryson? To her ex so that she can realise that it's him she wants to be with and not you? Amazing, you dumb fuck!