twenty one pilots imagines (part two)

afraid to love (josh)

pairing: josh dun x reader
word count: 1189
tw: angst, vague mentions of abuse

"now for my favorite part of the weekend. cuddling with my two favorite people." josh said as he crawled into bed with jim and i. i chuckled.

"jim isn't a person." i reminded him. he shrugged.

"shhh. don't ruin the moment, y/n." he joked. he scooted closer to me and i cuddled up to him.

"so, what are we watching tonight?" josh asked me.

"the proposal."

"again? we watched that last weekend."

"well, maybe i want to watch it again." i said, stubbornly. josh sighed.

"fine. only because you're too darn adorable to say no to." he decided. i smiled as i pulled myself even closer to him.

"you're the best."

"i know."

josh hit play on the movie and i layed my head against his chest. i loved weekends with him. we had only been together for six months, but i was happier with josh than i had been with anyone else.

as i listened to josh's heartbeat i began to zone out. i didn't understand why being with josh felt so different than any of the other people i had been with. he was smart, funny, and the sweetest guy ever. to be around him was to love him.

love him?

no. i didn't love josh. i couldn't, it was too early. well, it wasn't really that early, but i couldn't love him. last time i fell in love with a guy, he-

i just couldn't love josh. it wouldn't end well. i'd get hurt again.

i sat up and got out of josh's bed. i needed to go home. this wasn't right.

"y/n, where are you going?" josh asked me. i shook my head.

"i-i don't feel well i gotta go home." i told him.

"no, you can stay with me. i can take care of you." he insisted.

"no josh i'm- i need to go home, okay? just let me go."

"did i do something wrong? did i say something?"

"no you didn't do anything wrong, you did everything right. that's why i have to leave, i need to go home."

when i finished changing out of my pajamas, i grabbed my keys off josh's nightstand and left.

as i drove home, guilt washed over me. that wasn't how i was supposed to handle things. i was sure that i made josh feel horrible.

i was just so scared. i never thought that i'd fall in love with josh. and when i did, my only instinct was to leave. what if he didn't feel the same way? what if his true plan was to make me love him so that he could take advantage of me?

when i got home, i immediately got back into my pajamas and i went to bed. maybe i could just sleep it off. or not. all i knew was that sleeping would at least solve the problem for that moment.

two weeks later

i didn't answer josh's calls for two weeks.

i didn't know what to do. i was ashamed for how i left him but i was also trying to come to terms with the fact that i loved him.

josh called me every single day at least three times a day. it was more on the weekends, when he didn't have to record music with his best friend tyler. i wasn't proud of how i was handling things but at the same time i didn't know what to say to josh. i was so afraid of love. but love was exactly what i was feeling towards him.

a few times josh came over and knocked on my door. i still ignored him, but it made me feel even more guilty that he drove all the way to my house just for me to not answer. i knew i should have just texted him and told him i was okay, but i still needed time to myself. i had wished he would just see that.

one morning, it was a wednesday, i was sitting on my couch as i pet my cat, moze. i hadn't been expecting company, so i shot up when my front door opened.

it was josh.

"oh, y/n! thank God you're okay, i was so worried. why haven't you been talking to me, are you breaking up with me?" josh asked me. seeing him there, in front of me, more distressed than ever, i couldn't help but break down in tears. he wasn't expecting that.

josh rushed to my side and hugged me as i cried. it was then that all of the guilt and emotions came crashing down on me. josh rubbed my back as i cried into his shoulder.

"what's going on? you can talk to me." josh told me.

"i'm so- i'm afraid josh." i told him.

"why are you afraid?" he asked me.

"cause i love you. i'm so in love with you that i'm afraid. i'm afraid that you're gonna see how much i love you and you're gonna use it to hurt me."

"y/n, i would never do that. i'm in love with you too. why would i hurt you?"

"my ex...i loved him so much and when he realized that, he- he hurt me really bad. i just don't want that to happen again, i can't have that happen again."

josh pulled away so that he was looking at my face. he wiped away my tears and he looked into my eyes.

"never. that will never happen to you again. that, i can promise. i love you with my entire heart and i would give you the world if i could. all i ever want is for you to be happy. i'm so sorry that your ex did that to you, but i swear on my life that i am not him. i love you, y/n."

i pulled josh into another hug and i buried my head in his neck.

"i love you, josh. i'm so sorry that i've been ignoring you."

"i understand. you did what you needed to do. but i'm here now, and i want you to talk to me if there's ever something on your mind. okay?"

"okay." i sniffled. i then pulled away and gave him a confused expression. "wait it's wednesday, aren't you supposed to be recording songs with tyler?"

"yeah," josh chuckled. "i told him that i'd be a little late. i knew i wouldn't be able to focus if i didn't make sure you were okay."

"oh josh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you late for work." i apologized. josh shook his head.

"you're fine, sunshine. actually, do you want to come with me? i can show you our studio."

"really? is that aloud?"

"i'm sure our manager wouldn't mind."

"okay. let me go clean up." i told josh. the two of us got up off the floor and i began to walk upstairs to my bedroom.

"oh and y/n?" josh called. i stopped and looked at him.

"yes, love?" i replied.

"i love you."