Fight For Love

Part 32

Trigger warning: Mentions of self harm, neglecting medication, bipolar and other mental health illness, as well as other tough issues.

"Okay?" The singer replied

Paul looked at you and blinked twice, not sure what to do about the situation. Finding himself hurt but not wanting to spin the conversation to be about him. Guessing it was a situation you were tired of being constantly in by the blowup.

"Okay? That's all you have to say?" You asked.

"For now, go on with your story," Paul replied, before taking a sip of water

You looked at him and then at the floor, as though the carpet would help shield your pain as you took the guitarist down the road to the real you. Paul sat his bottle back down on the floor and waited for what felt like an hour. Finally, you cleared your throat, still looking at the floor, and spoke.

"Mental illness runs deep on my mom's side of the family. Though it was all kept under the rug, if we don't talk about it, then it doesn't exist. Those scars you saw the night we first had sex were from when I was thirteen. That's when my step dad forced mom to take to a shrink for them to fix me. I was on medication from then up to the day you saw me take them." You said sadly,

"You stopped taking the medication that was helping you because you met me? You are blaming this on me Y/N for the worry over the baby, and the passing out from the anxiety? Every emergency room doctor has told you that therapy would work for you, but you told none of us that your diagnoses went a little further than that?" Paul asked sternly.

"What did you want to hear? Hey Paul, just to let you know I am bat shit crazy like what you saw with my mother? Can I still have a chance at a happy life with you in California?" You shot back.

"Yes, well not like that, but you could have told me at the beginning not at four months pregnant when you are flipping out over having our son or daughter, which I still don't understand. You're not crazy Y/N! Dont fucking ever say that about yourself again, do you understand me? Having a mental illness isn't bad, but ignoring it is putting yourself at risk of being harmed, or the baby at risk that makes you ignorant!" Paul yelled, standing up from the chair.

You put your hands over your face, shaking and crying at the singer's words. The guitarist paced in front of the couch, not sure if he should wrap you in his arms and let you know that no matter what, you were safe, or leave you alone for a bit, so he could calm down as well. The information was making his stomach turn, that you were supposed to hold all that pain in, growing up in the same words Paul had. If we don't acknowledge the pain, then it doesn't exist. It was a saying he had hated and one that the singer no longer followed. Paul had always vowed he would instill in his children that it was okay to show any emotion, but would the newest child's mother do the same?

"Don't treat me like I don't know about mental illness. My sibling battles it. I've seen what it does to a family, the worry and pain that my parents went through. They spent weeks searching for her at all hours of the night. They tried to hide it from me just like you are doing now! After everything we've been through, you can't give me enough trust, enough respect to be honest about this?" Paul asked.

"I don't want my son or daughter to have a mom like me. I don't want to be the mother that my children fear and that they walk on eggshells when they are around me. She ruined the dreams I had and turned them into nightmares. If my step dad hadn't come along, this, you and I, wouldn't exist. History repeats itself, and I'm never going to be a parent like you are. My child won't want to bond with me like your son does with you. Especially if we have a daughter." You sobbed, covering your face.

Paul bent down in front of you and dragged your hands away from your face. He held each of yours with his own. The guitarist tilted his head to the side and gave you a small, yet sad smile. You looked away from the singer, pulling one hand away to wipe your thumb across your cheek. Paul let out a sigh, waiting for you to speak again before he opened his mouth again.

"Can I be honest with you?" Paul asked.

"I thought that was the whole point of this conversation?" You countered, grinning slightly at him.

"Now is not the time to be a smart ass. What you did right now, though, I am grateful that you told me what you are feeling. Also, I'm hurt that you've kept this from me for almost a year, and this just proves we aren't ready to move on to marriage. Not that we are over, but we have a fuck load of stuff to work on, and we moved too quickly." the singer stated.

You jerked your hands away and went to run off, quickly being stopped by the singer, pulling you into a tight hug. He moved the two of you back to the couch and continued to hold you close, waiting for you to finally relax in his arms. Paul grabbed your chin and made you look him in the eye, making sure you were fully listening to him.

"Those fears that you have of what kind of parent you will be, because of a horrible upbringing, are a normal baby. I grew up with that same mantra and decided I wasn't going down that path at all, and you can decide to do the same. It's time to get to the root canal, get rid of the pain your past has caused you. Y/N, I love you because you're so strong. My son loves you and tells you to think, because he's comfortable, too. Our baby will have a positive bond, but we have to get you the help you need to be that parent. I've been going to therapy since I was fifteen and I'm not ashamed at all. I need a promise from you, and if you break it, we will be through. No second chances," Paul said.

"That doesn't sound heartbreaking at all," You said.

"You will tell Dr. Klein on Friday about your mental illness and find out what we can do to keep you on a positive track, okay? I'm sure the hormones don't help with your mental health either. Then we will both go back to therapy. Deal?" the singer asked.

"I'm sorry that you didn't know all of this sooner, sweetheart. Just don't run away from me, even with the outburst that may happen and the horrible words that may come. I love you and feel the same as you. Can we get married before the baby comes? I want all of us to be Stanley's by the time they are here." You asked.

"I'm not saying yes, but I'm not saying no. Okay? Let's take it step by step and when it's closer, we will talk again." Paul replied.

"Okay, I'm on board. Can you do me a favor though and it may hurt you a bit." You replied.

"I'm already cancelling the party. It's going to be overwhelming for you, I know. I have something else planned for just you and I, but to ease my mind more, we need to call Klien's emergency line and see if we can change the appointment to tomorrow?" Paul said,

"I agree, but what about this trip?" You asked, standing up.

"No questions from you about where either, ma'am. Just know we have to go shopping for a bit of warmer clothes in the morning." The singer replied,

You leaned down and wrapped your arms around the singer's neck, pulling him into a tight hug. Feeling more of the weight of the world releasing off of your shoulders, as he embraced you. THe two of you held on to each other for a minute, taking in deep breaths together. Paul leaned his mouth up to your ear, making your hair stick up on the back of your neck.

"There's nothing we can't handle together, baby. You are my soulmate and when I gave you that ring, it was to prove more of my dedication to you. I'm always going to keep you safe, love you, and drive you crazy, but you know you do the same to me as well. We can't take that past life away or that pain, but we can acknowledge and change it so our babies Evan, little blimp, and the next one don't have to hurt." Paul whispered before kissing your cheek.

"I'm sorry about all of this Paul, I really am." You replied, walking toward the kitchen phone.

Paul leaned his head back against the couch, listening as you spoke softly to someone on the other line. His own anxiety made the singer wish he had a therapist contact number to call right now and give Paul some type of advice to keep the singer and everything going, plus be happy.