jadam oneshots :')

if he could tell you

a spin on the song if i could tell her from the musical dear evan hansen. 

(angst)

"I can't believe it..." I pace back and forth through my living room, cracking my knuckles. "I can't believe he's fucking gone."

"Hey, I know this is hard for you but um... I'm here to help you through it."

Adam's friend, Christian attempts to comfort me.

"I know it's hard because I'm living it for fucks sake. He's dead! Like, actually dead! This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through!" I can't help but lash out at him.

He's gone. My best fucking friend is gone. And I wasn't even there to say goodbye. I found out just a few hours ago and it's still playing vividly in my mind. 

"Hello, is this James Rallison?" I pulled my stylus from my drawing tablet and answered the call.

"Yeah, that's me. Who is this?"

"Hi, I'm one of your friend, Adam Ortiz's, doctors. I'm calling to inform you that he passed around half an hour ago, at 10:30 am."

I felt the blood drain from my face and my hand lose its grip on my stylus.

"We did everything we could. I'm so sorry for your loss."

I heard the distant thump of my stylus hitting my carpeted floor, eyes widened and welling up with tears.

My shock quickly turned into distress when the harsh reality hit me. I jumped up from my chair and got to the hospital as fast as I could. Once I'd gotten there and had rushed into Adam's hospital room I felt as if I was hit by a ton of bricks. 

There he was, the palest I've ever seen him, lying motionless on his bed.

I choked back tears as I stared at him.

Christian, who was in the room when I arrived put his hand on my shoulder. I looked past him and saw his parents and brother huddled up and staring at him with tired eyes. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

I just shook my head in disbelief.

As I was staring a couple of nurses brought a blanket over. I watched as they started to drape it over his lifeless body.

Before I could reconsider I had rushed over to the side of his bed.

"Wait!"

They stopped mid-motion.

"Please... just... I need a second..." I mumbled.

They nodded and folded the blanket back up before leaving the room. Adam's family smiled empathetically and made their way out of the room, their sniffles echoing through the hall. 

"I'll be just outside, alright?" Christian said before exiting as well.

I'd waited until the door slammed shut before I let the tears escape from my eyes and roll down my face. I looked over Adam's face, feeling my heart tearing itself up as I looked at him. I held the back of my hand against his cheek, the cold making a harsh shiver run up my spine. I quickly retracted my hand and watched his emotionless face for a little while longer. Almost as if I'd expected him to sit up and tell me he was alright and he wasn't going anywhere.

The long silence was filled only by my sniffs and desperate attempts to stop crying. Eventually, I couldn't take it any longer. I turned and ran out of the hospital before I could let the emotions overtake me.

I let out a long sigh.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do without him?? He was my best friend! I...! I..." My eyes dart across the wall in front of me before I groan and tangle my fingers in my hair.

Christian stays silent as I go back to pacing.

After a good 20 paces, he speaks up, "Hey um... Adam actually... he told me something... about you."

I quickly turn to him, desperately awaiting what he has to say.

"He told me never to tell you but I think these in this... situation... it's okay."

He pats the spot on the couch next to him. I sit down next to him, staring straight ahead.

"Adam... he said there's nothing like your smile. That it's sort of subtle and perfect and real... and he said you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel."

I smile, still staring ahead at the coffee table.

"He adored all your small habits and loved the way your expression changed at certain things. How you'd wrinkle up your nose when you were confused. Or how when you laugh - like, proper laugh - you have these dimples that you can't usually see."

I felt my heart warm up at the thought that anyone was paying that much close attention to me.

"He admired you, James. He wanted to be close to you forever because... he loved you."

I blink my eyes, rapidly, taken aback. "He...what?"

"He loved you. He just... didn't know where to start and how to tell you so he left his feelings unsaid..."

My mouth hangs open as I take in this information.

"He cared about you so much, James."

I feel my eyes overflow with tears quickly. Blinking once sends them all rushing down my face. Christian gives me a side hug, rubbing my shoulder.

"He... I... I should've told him..." I mutter. I feel my throat close up as I'm filled with regret. "I should've told him. Then I could've spent at least a little bit of time with him! I-I should've kissed him while I had the chance! But now he's... and I'm... too late..."

Christian just keeps rubbing my shoulder.

All the times Adam had made a shy, flirty comment now made sense. Every time he'd held my hand for a joke then held on a little longer than needed. Every time his cheeks flared up with that adorable pink tint. It all makes sense now.

I bury my head in my hands, a loud sob escaping my mouth.

"We could've had a future together..."

I sigh.

"Now he's fucking gone." 

brb, sobbing