jadam oneshots :')

overwhelmed

trigger warning: panic attack, suicidal themes, self harm

sorry bahahfjsj it has a nice ending i swear lolz

"James...?" My voice comes out meek and strained.

I glance up at James who's talking to a group of people at the Vidcon content creators party.

"James..."

My vision blurs and my head spins. I reach my shaky hand out to tug on James' shirt. He turns around and sees me swaying back and forth, clutching my other hand over my stomach.

"James," I mutter, looking up at him.

"Adam? Adam, are you alright?" James asks, turning from his conversation and resting a hand on my arm.

I try to open my mouth and tell him what's happening but I can't catch my breath.

"Okay, um, let's- let's go over here," James loops his arm in mine and guides me to a couch in the corner of the room.

He reaches to the end table and grabs a bottle of water for me.

"Here—" he removes the cap. "—drink some water."

I grab the bottle with both of my hands and slowly bring it up to my mouth, worried I'll drop it. Instinctively, I start scratching at my skin. I tense up and breathe a shaky breath. I flinch when James' hands lands on mine and he pulls them apart. Still holding them, he angles his head to make eye contact with me.

"Just breathe. Okay? Breathe with me. In, hold and out."

I follow his breathing.

In.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Hold.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Out.

1, 2, 3, 4.

We keep breathing and eventually, the spinning slows and my vision refocuses. I groan and rest my head in my hands. James' hand rests on my back, trying to comfort me.

"Was... that a panic attack?" James asks, softly. Or as softly as a person can ask anything over blaring pop music.

I nod and sit back up to lean my head on the back of the couch with furrowed eyebrows.

"Wanna talk about anything?"

I shrug and stare at the ceiling.

"This shit is scary. I don't know how you do it," I glance at the sea of people but look away quickly, already feeling overwhelmed again. "They're all— out for something and it terrifies me. I feel like... like... I'm not me here. I'm just the number of subscribers my channel has."

James frowns in my peripheral vision.

"They don't care about me or what I make. Just how much money they can make off of my audience! They only care about themselves. They're so fucking selfish. And if they don't care about me maybe it's my fault? And maybe nobody actually likes me and maybe I'd be better off just killing myself."

"Oh, Adam," the pity in his voice makes me realise what I just said isn't going to be taken lightly. "Adam, I'm so sorry."

I roll my eyes and turn my head from him.

"It's whatever."

"No," James pulls me into a side hug. "It isn't whatever. Adam, I care about you so much. I need you here. You're my best friend. I can't imagine being without you."

Tears well up in my eyes when I turn to look at James. He's looking back at me with tears resting in his eyes and a frown on his face. When we lock eyes he smiles at me.

"I love you, dude."

And I think hearing that— that I'm needed— was what I desperately wanted to hear. I burst into tears and throw my arms around James, hugging him as tightly as I can.

I guess that's what everyone wants to hear. That they're needed. And wanted. And I got so caught up in who didn't need or want me for me that I couldn't see who did. And I'm so thankful that he's here to remind me. 

grrahshdja them >:( <3