Merlin's magic (Oneshots) 1

IDI4U part 7: Friday

Arthur didn't know when he had finally been able to calm down. It was somewhere after he locked the door, after he tried to scream into his pillow and when he sensed that Morgana was rushing back to his room to kick it in.
Certainly some time after he barricaded his windows and then hid under his blankets. Hands over his ears, to not hear Morgana's angry shouting.
Perhaps somewhat around the time when he had thrown his beeping phone at the wall. He heard the crack of his display, but he didn't care.

He didn't know what time it was. But he knew he was still lying in bed when school started. He would be late, he knew that. But he was crying and his eyes were red and he just knew that everyone would know what had happened.
They probably already did.
Well, apart from Arthur's side of the story.

Which was the shitty side of the story. Probably even worse than what they expected. Arthur was heaving and hardly breathing at the same time. He stared at the ceiling and immediately missed the glow stars that hung from Merlin's own.
He was – to put it mildly – fucked.

And not in the way that Gwaine probably expected him to be. God, why did he have to make that joke?

No, Arthur had just gone and ruined his life. And the worst part was, he barely understood, WHY.
He had read so many books. Many romance novels. Most of which Merlin had forced him to read. And each time, something dramatic like this would happen, he would shake his head at the reasons these characters had.
Those were stupid reasons and they never made sense? But now?
Now Arthur lay here, in his bed, panicking. Because he didn't even KNOW the reason. Not fully. He was still grasping at it.
He had pushed Merlin away.
He had not talked to him to explain himself, despite KNOWING that that's what he was supposed to do.
Despite knowing that Merlin would understand. Communication was key. In every kind of relationship.
But Arthur didn't understand his own reasons himself. He knew they were stupid and yet he clung to them like they were necessary.

The thing is, Merlin's feelings weren't reliable. And Arthur felt like shit for even thinking that. How was he doubting Merlin's feelings, if he had KNOWN about them for years?
Perhaps he was doubting them, BECAUSE he knew about them for years.
Perhaps he was doubting them, because he knew WHY Merlin loved him.
Arthur had done this. It was his fault. He had manipulated Merlin.

At the same time, what the fuck, Arthur? No one has the power to manipulate someone's feelings? What the HECK was he talking about?

Arthur felt the world crushing down on him.

Today was his birthday. He should be an adult now. Actually, he hadn't expected a change. After all, it was just one day.
Yet, the change was so dramatic that he felt he had grown up anyway.
By ruining his childhood.
He had ruined his friendship with Merlin.
Arthur tried to get his breathing under control.
The worst part is.
He had done it on purpose.
How long? How long had he planned this? Because it felt like he had. Like everything he had done the past couple of days had lead to this point.
Like he kind of knew this would happen.
As if he had expected this.

He had drawn Merlin as close as he dared, only to then toss him away. Shove him away.

Arthur shivered under the blankets. Not because he felt cold, but because he was trying not to sob out loud. It was stupid. The room was practically sound proof. But Arthur was scared that if he was any louder, he could hear himself.
Could hear how pathetic he was. How useless and ignorant and selfish.

He had lost the only family that mattered anything to him. And they would all hate him now.
Arthur closed his eyes and drew the blanket closer over his face. He knew he deserved it. He knew he did.

And he couldn't even blame Uther for this. Uther had never been around long enough to raise him wrong.
Arthur had been able to freely develop who he was.
Though that somehow ended in relying on Merlin entirely. Merlin had carried him to where he was.
Influenced his every decision. His every thought.
To the point where his voice of reason sounded EXACTLY like Merlin.
And because of this, Arthur had never learned to be himself.