Merlin's magic (Oneshots) 1

Regent 11

TW.: For nakedness, people forcing themselves on others (this is the Sirens) and hints of Arthur's trauma. 

A.N.:// I did this instead of homework. You're welcome.

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Arthur focused on Merlin. Because fokussing on Merlin always helped. The child was a good distraction, mostly for the fact that child was easily distracted himself. He seemed to sense it, when Arthur's distress cooled down. Then he shifted his attention on the painted walls.

It was like someone had told him to pick up every detail the world provided and Merlin was detemined to follow that order. What's more, he began asking Arthur questions that he had no answers to. Arthur had to think about them, which meant he couldn't think of much else. Perhaps that's how he managed to get out of his little panic attack. Thus, figuring out how to approach his new memories calmly. The memories about Agravaine were distressing, but pushing through them helped. It put things in perspective. Arthur could now sort out other memories which he had previously suppressed as well. They were tied to each other and often Arthur had only known the loose ends of them. Now he knew where they rooted in. What had created them. What made them tick. Taking deep breaths, Arthur accepted some of the memories to pass through the painful haze of his trauma.

He remembered waking up in a room that was his own, yet it wasn't. His clothes were gone. Everything he found was oversized and in the middle of his confusion he saw Merlin approach him. The memory version of Merlin was so much taller than him. Yet, it was undeniably Merlin. With his kind eyes and that ridiculous smile. Arthur remembered conversations with him. He remembered being calmed by the man, being cared for by him. He also remembered Merlin himself breaking down at some point. It was an oddly parental view Arthur had of the man. It made him cringe, when it conflicted with the image of the adult Merlin he grew to know. Even worse was the feeling he got, when he looked at child Merlin a couple feet away. The child was monologueing to himself how pretty the little birds on the wall were, before he moved on and stared at plants. Who knew what was going on inside that tiny mind? Arthur however, tried to differenciate between the three different Merlin's in his head.

In the meantime, Morgana had hidden herself away by turning away from Arthur. She was ashamed. Arthur had never seen her ashamed before.

Hunith had moved over and put a hand on Arthur's shoulder to comfort him. Arthur let her. She was speechless. Sometimes she would open her mouth, as if to console him. Nothing ever escaped her lips. Arthur himself was grateful for it. It gave him other things to focus on. More important people.

Merlin was his focal point through time. A reason to hope, when he had been abandoned. A guide, when Arthur got himself lost in destiny. And now he was the person who kept him grounded, when he was losing himself in the haze of his own mind.

What was left was the person he needed to return to. Arthur didn't think he was ready yet. Arthur had just figured out what was wrong with him. Had just figured out what had caused all his problems and all his fears. That didn't mean he had moved on yet. Was he ready for that yet? Arthur looked at his hands and asked himself another question: Is one person ever only one thing? Was Arthur just his past? Was this who he was? The person he had been searching for, when he was searching for himself? He had the strange sense that Merlin would disagree. Was Merlin always ever one of those three things? A hope, a guide, a foundation? Or could he be more?

Arthur's past was now over, he decided. What happened to him could not be changed. What happened to him would cause nightmares. Would haunt him for the rest of his life. He would not be able to ever forget the pictures in his mind. Pictures that came whenever he dared to close his eyes. They came, whenever someone got too close. Whenever someone said the wrong thing.