Merlin's magic (Oneshots) 1

Grief

"There is something I tell all my knights. No man is worth your tears."
Arthur had contemplated on saying this on a later day. Maybe, before he went off to fight the dragon all alone. Like – last words before Arthur himself would die.
He couldn't bear Merlin crying over him like he did over the Dragon lord.

But they didn't have time right now. They needed to get back to Camelot as fast as possible. Even if the situation was dire. Even if the news they brought back were bad ones.

Merlin, Arthur knew, was devastated. Simply because Arthur had told him there was no time to grief for the dead man. Their dead hope.

But Merlin merely froze as Arthur spoke up to say this.

Merlin wiped away a tear from his cheek, before he replied. And dang, Arthur had never heard Merlin sound so cold and distant before. Especially not to Arthur.
"You are shit at comforting people, do you know that."
It was a statement. Not a question. But Arthur was taken aback anyway. No servant talked to him like this. Not even Merlin.

"I beg your pardon?!", Arthur dared Merlin to repeat. Because hell, he was doing his best!

"You know, you can repeat all your "no man is worth your tears" bullshit on your coronation day. You know – when Uther dies.", Merlin's lips were pressed into a thin line, as though he hadn't meant to say it. Especially not in such a snarky tone.
But Arthur knew Merlin meant every word.

Cold rage, betrayal and anger laced his words, as Arthur closed the distance between him and Merlin for a couple of steps.
Merlin didn't even flinch, while he kept looking at the dead dragon Lord.
"Don't you dare, that is not the same thing! You don't even know this man – he's "

But Merlin interrupted him, finally looking him into his eyes.
"This isn't the first time you told me to hold back my tears or threatened me while I was grieving for a loved one, you know!", Merlin said, slowly standing up. Merlin's anger, Arthur realized, was not directed at Arthur. At least not directly. Merlin was hurt, Arthur realized. And his anger was his way of defending his mental wounds.

"And you are wrong to judge me on my feelings. Sorrow is no weakness. My tears show that after everything, I'm still alive. I'm still human."

A wind blew between them, but Arthur ignored it in favor of staring at his manservant. Who looked so – so old and done with the world as he lectured Arthur.

"When my best friend died. Will, he died for his people, he died protecting you! He saved your life and he did so with magic. And yet you told me, while we were mourning his loss, that magic was evil. That it corrupted.
You basically told me it was better that way. Better that Will had died.", Merlin began, voice still calm, but he didn't hold back his tears. Tears of anger rather than fear.

Arthur's eyes widened in shock at this. Will had died years ago. He couldn't even remember what he had said back then. But as he heard Merlin speak those words, he could see himself saying it in front of a giant pyre. Where Will's body was burning to ashes.

"You keep joking about me that I would never find love. That I wasn't interested in anyone. Even if that was true, you have no right to treat me a lesser man, just because I'm not jumping at every woman that crosses my path like Gwaine does.

The truth is there was someone. She was a druid who had been cursed by a powerful witch. She was the basted that attacked Camelot. The truth is, the woman I love is dead. "
Merlin didn't have to say anymore, because Arthur knew what Merlin was hinting at.
Arthur's eyes widened. He remembered the basted. And he remembered how it had died. By Arthur's very own hand.

"But all that – you can't blame me for that!", Arthur flinched back, not knowing what Merlin would be trying to do next. Not that he was afraid of Merlin. The man couldn't defend himself if his life depended on it. But Arthur was afraid to see the betrayal on Merlin's face.
Except, there was none there. Only hurt.

"I'm not angry at you for killing her. I'm not mad that Will died for you. I'm mad that you keep telling me I shouldn't be hurt over them. I am allowed to be hurt. I am allowed to have feelings! I am allowed to cry and I am allowed to grief! Imagine it was your father lying here, dead because he protected you."

Arthur hissed a deep breath. THAT's what Merlin was angry about? Not that his friends were dead, but what Arthur said about it? Wasn't that a bit selfish?

"This is different! Uther is my father!", Arthur said, nostrils flaring at the weak comparison.
But Merlin turned back towards the man, collecting wild flowers in the process that he put on the corpse. But it was Merlin's answer, that had Arthur retreating from him and the corpse.
"And Balinor was mine.", Merlin whispered. His voice full of grief and his eyes spilling from tears.