Half A World Away [H.S]

31. TRACK 1

TW: BLOOD, SELF HARMING, RAPE.

BEFORE YOU START READING THIS CHAPTER, IF, BY ANY CHANCE YOU GET TRIGGER BY SHARP THINGS, DROWNING AND SUICIDAL ACTIONS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO STOP READING ONCE I SAY * 4TH OF JULY OR ANYTHING IN ITALIC*

THANK YOU
I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO GET TRIGGER BY SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN AVOID, I SAY THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, DO NOT READ IT.

THIS CHAPTER ALONE TOOK A HUGE TOLL ON ME. AND AS YOU GUYS ALREADY KNOW AUTHORS USUALLY USE THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE TO WRITE THEIR STORIES, AND I WOULDN'T BE DIFFERENT. THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK I CAN SAY I HAVEN'T DONE THINGS TO ADRIANA'S LEVEL, BUT WITH THIS CHAPTER, MORE LIKE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH TIMOTHY- I AM NOT GONNA SPECIFY WHICH PART- I WROTE FROM EXPERIENCE, AND I WANT WANT TO SAY THAT FOR THE LOGEST TIME I WAS IN DENIAL, I BLAMED MYSELF FOR WHAT HAPPENED AND TOOK YEARS TO REALIZED HE WAS IN FAULT.

IF YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH IT YOURSELF AND HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO I AM HERE FOR YOU. IF YOU JUST WANT TO RANT, I AM HERE TO LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO TALK, I AM HERE TO TALK. IF YOU WANT TO BE ANONYMOUS YOU CAN TOO.

THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE IS 1-800-656-4673.

DON'T BE SCARED TO SPEAK UP, YOUR VOICE MATTER, YOUR BODY MATTER, YOUR LIFE MATTER, YOU MATTER.

I AM HERE FOR YOU.

******

Every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you

******

How do you explain a feeling you never felt before, a feeling that once you thought was love to after years of abuse you finally realized it wasn't love. How do you describe that feeling? Because I am really trying to figure it out.

I think this feeling was always labeled as love because I grew up with Timothy, and once we started dating it just seemed right to label it as love.

But what is love?  I googled it.

A feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. It is definitely a feeling that I have in me right now, but for the two men I have shared several intimate moments with that definition is not it.

Attraction that includes sexual desire. Definitely a sexual desire, wouldn't say so much about Timothy, but definitely for Harry, and to be completely honest I don't think my mind even have control of that, is just how he makes my body feel that maybe my body desires his touch more than anything.

Oh this one is funny. Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. Affection? Based on admiration? I don't even know the guy, what is there to admire ? His good looks? Perfect smile, the golden curls that just seem to be the right shade of brown and when against the sun looks like angel curls? Or how he can hold a conversation about anything and everything, how he can make you feel like he cares even though he might not care a single bit, or those arms, hands, fingers? And the tattoos? Yah, I see there might be a few things to admire about him, but benevolence ? Or common interests? The only interests that I know that he has is for my fathers work. Maybe he is in love with my dad. Oh we have a single common interests,  sex, very hot and intense sex.

Yah I knew love was not the definition of this explosion of emotion inside of me. Let's try something else.

Hate: A very strong feeling of dislike.

I don't necessarily dislike him. Definitely have grown that feeling stronger and stronger towards Timothy over the years. But I don't think that is something that I feel for Harry, when I think of him and Kendall, yah I do feel very... upset towards them both, but honestly is not surprise Kendall got dibs on my leftovers, or did I get the dibs on her leftovers this time?