Half A World Away [H.S]

33. SEP 21ST

******

Help me position my mind
Take a chance
Make a difference in my life

******

I truly like to think that the entire phone call wasn't me and Abby was fully in control, but your drunk words are your sober thoughts and I can't deny that. Maybe I didn't continuously think those things I said but my subconscious definitely did and now that I am fully aware that is how I feel, I can't stop thinking about what I confessed.

I truly just wanted to hear his voice, it was always so calming and so relaxing. I could fall asleep in the first minute if he was reading me a book. And he is right, I wouldn't fully admit it if I was completely sober, but now that information is in the air I don't feel the need to hold it to myself. It would definitely take me more than a few minutes on a phone call but I would come around to confess my need for his sudden voice.

But what got me on a spiral train of thought was my afterwards confession, the apologizing for something that hasn't happened yet.

It was a mask honestly. I truly started that sentence, because of what had happened last night, I felt like I was cheating on him, I felt dirty and completely disgusted of myself, but after the two words sentence came out of my mouth, I realized we shouldn't be having this conversation over the phone, at 4/5 in the morning while one is completely drunk and the other completely exhausted.

It was a conversation to have face to face, the type of conversation I so often run away from, the type that gets me out of people's lives because I rather run away than face reality, than face their pain and how much I have disappointed them, but couldn't bare to be this heartless to him. I promised myself I would try, and that is what got me to spill my guts through that 4am call.

Everything connected to him somehow brought me fear, fear of the unknown, fear of how easily he could get things out of me, fear of spilling my darkest secrets, fear of showing him how dark and scary my mind can be, how low in life I have reached. Fear of being vulnerable to him, with him, in front of him, fear of disappointing him, breaking him or leaving him because it simply became too much for me to even try and handle it.

I think my biggest fear is the fact that I still want it, I still want to try and figure all of this out, put a label to this unknown feeling and somehow once that feeling is known and labeled, I can give it back to him, because somehow I have grown liking of it, and I want to share that feeling with him, I want to show him how he makes me feel even though it is a very scary feeling and without it, it is very cold and lonely inside my head.

The feeling is a drug, he is a drug, and the aftermatch is the consequences, consequences of my actions, of not being able to let go, of getting involved with him and become addicted to everything that revolves around him.

He is a drug I became addicted to.

"Here is the key to your room" I handed Sabrina the key before putting all my belongings back into my purse so we could make our way to the elevator.

"Are we not sharing a room?" She asked, while walking next to me with the staff from the hotel behind us with our luggage.

"Our rooms are joined, so we are connected by a door but still have our own private suite" I stated while walking into the elevator.

We just landed about an hour ago, making it just a little past 10 in the morning. An uber drove us from the airport to the hotel and we have just finished checking in.

I told Sabrina I got us separate rooms so we could have our own private suites without having to share bathrooms and waiting for the other to finish a shower and while that was partially true, my motive was something else.