Multifandom Oneshots

midsummer/jersey ~ manic episode ~ robert & janet

Sometimes Robert would get really fucking wired (or "manic" as his therapist had put it), usually before or after a bout of depression, and eventually, Janet learned how to help him deal with it. Because he helped her deal with a lot of her own mental things as well, that's just how they were. Best friends, and a million times more competent than the other salon workers. Besides, it's not like Robert being manic was the end of the world, and it definitely beat being depressed. It just also meant that he needed some help to remain grounded.

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"Janet, do you know the mattress store theory?" he asked her as they stayed late at the salon one night, still cleaning up old props from their disastrous play. Nikki, Patti, Terri, and Franci had all left a while ago, leaving the two nut cases (as Franci so affectionately called them) alone together. He was pacing, and Janet could tell that his mind was in a thousand places at once. It was almost frightening to see the usually laid-back guy so energetic, but she knew she wasn't in any danger or anything. Worst case scenario, he'd end up dropping a glass from how shaky his hands were.

"No, what's that?" she asked him with a slightly forced smile as he pulled out a red window marker and went over to the storefront, eyeballing it carefully. Janet knew she'd have to help him wash off the markings after whatever rant he went on, but she made no move to stop or redirect him. His talking could become somewhat incoherent whenever he got like this (just because of how fucking hyper he was), so she would likely end up needing his visuals if she wanted to understand what in the hell he was talking about.

"So I am not the first person to- That ginger pedophile guy did but he- Well he didn't come up with it but he popularized it. Do you know who I'm talking about?" he asked, turning to the pink-haired girl expectantly. She looked up thoughtfully for a moment, mumbling out a small "Uhhhh" before finally looking at him. "Shane Dawson, right?" she asked him, uncertainty clear in her voice. She didn't know what other "ginger pedophile" could fit the criteria for conspiracy theories of all things but she also couldn't be too sure. Robert tended to fall down weird, nonsensical rabbit holes online when he got manic, so he could've been talking about a fucking hitman for all she knew.

"Bingo" Robert responded, almost in a whisper, tapping his right temple with his index finger and then pointing at his friend with a nod. The look in his eyes was almost that of insanity, but the truth of it was that he was just in a really weird headspace. "Anyways, mattress store theory" he continued with a clap, writing the words "Mattress Firm - Money Laundering" up on the window so quickly that Janet was almost sure he'd gained super speed for a second. He capped the marker and then turned back to her, pacing back and forth in front of her as he began to ramble.

"Have you ever noticed how many goddamn Mattress Firms there are?" he asked, then added a quick "And mattress stores in general- But mainly Mattress Firms" before she could answer. She chuckled nervously at his expectant gaze. "Uh, no" she responded with a crooked smile (or at least he assumed that's what her expression was- She almost always wore a mask so he rarely saw her actual facial expressions). "I can't say that's something I've ever paid attention to"

"Right, cause why would you?" Robert replied rhetorically. "They're so unassuming- That's what makes it so fucking genius" he continued, tapping his temple again. "If you go around town, there are so many fucking Mattress Firms. Like an absolute truckload of them, it's honestly ridiculous" he explained. "In fact, there's more Mattress Firms in our block than there is grocery stores- Stores in general probably" A chuckle. "The point is, there's a shitload of fucking mattress stores, but no one's ever in them, and why would they be? People only need to buy a new mattress every five to ten years, so it's not like there's a huge demand for them or anything, right?" he asked before tapping the point he'd written on the board. "That's where the theory comes in"