Heartbreak (TodoDeku)

Chapter 12: Dark, Empty, Numb...

-- Fourth of July: Sufjan Stevens I just found this song, and it hit hard as I wrote this. I hope you enjoy. --

As the days come and go everything is still surrounded in darkness. The sun doesn't warm my skin, and the breeze is barely felt. As I walk through the woods and hear the life around me, it's still silent, almost like I'm under water. And as I watch people continue their lives around me, all I feel is numb. Nothing feels real anymore.

I once got lost in the woods when I was a child. The sun had set while I was on a walk, and the goddess moon was taking her monthly rest, leaving the night abnormally dark to my small eyes. I remember huddling by a tree, scared of all the noises around me. Twigs snapping and animals calling to one another driving me even further into myself. My eyes desperately scanned every bush and tree in fear of a monster that would creep and take me.

I feel like that now, only this darkness I can't see through. There is no life to bring me out of the suffocation in my head. That relief that came when my mother found me that night isn't coming to save me. Instead of scanning my surroundings for monsters, I beg for them to come and finish me. To take me from this horror I am forced into.

I arrived at my destination. I sit with a hole in me, a spot that cannot be filled. All I can do is sit and stare, digging my hands into the dirt that now blankets my best friend. The large K that is engraved on a tree is the only indication that a treasured life is now at rest below this disturbed dirt.

Kiri told me they had already given Kacchan back to the Goddess of trees during the days I was unconscious. That realization stung. I couldn't be there for my friend's last departure, not able to bid him farewell to his next adventure. I didn't get to scent him one last time.

Will he remember me as he progresses to his next life? Will I be allowed to join him since I wasn't there when he needed me? I don't know the answer, and that seems to push me further into the depths.

All I can do is sit and stare. I can't cry anymore, my body refuses. Even my omega has hidden away, refusing to interact as the pain is too heavy. I know he is taking most of the weight of this burden, but it is still unbearable. The weight on my chest doesn't disappear or lighten, it pulls me down, reminding me of what I allowed to happen to my best friend.

So this is what I do, I sit. Almost like I'm waiting for something to change, for that part of me that is empty to suddenly refill. But I'm lost in this darkness, unable to see my way out.

Is this how it will be, forever wishing and pleading for this pain to end? Will this darkness forever consume me while my body is numb to it's poison?

Or is this my curse for my inability to protect my pack? To carry Kacchan's death with me forever, bearing the responsibility that I couldn't save him. Couldn't help in his time of need, just like the rest of my pack.

"Izuku, why don't we go get something to eat."

But this is all I know how to do. Even that voice that has brought me butterflies and giddiness can't penetrate the black veil I now reside under. I can barely smell his scent as he kneels next to me. Barely feel the hand on my shoulder as I stare, as I sit, stuck in this unknown reality.

"Your pack is worried for you. They say you only come and sit here for hours." He continues. But his voice seems farther away somehow. Like my body refuses him to be here, that his presents doesn't belong.

"It's been a week. Why don't we clean you up and go for a walk?"

A week? It has only been a week? Why does it feel like years but only minutes? Why does time feel like a lie right now? How can it continue when someone is obviously missing? How can time defy me and continue to move as I stay stuck, waiting...

I hear Shoto sigh and shift next to me. His hands wrap around me and pull me into his chest. I can feel a slight comfort in the action, even my omega perks an ear at the attention. But it somehow feels wrong, that another pack shouldn't be here in my time of mourning.

I push the feeling down and allow myself to be cuddled, allow my omega the contact with the Alpha they crave.

I don't know how long we sat until I noticed the sun setting, the breeze shifting to a cooler temperature. All I know is that Shoto stayed. He held me without saying another word, not even trying to sooth me with his pheromones. In a way it seemed he was mourning with me, allowing me to stay in this darkness but not alone.

I hadn't noticed until now that my omega had finally moved and was now purring... No, I was purring. When? How? I don't know, but it felt right.

"Izuku, it's time to head in." Shoto whispers. His fingers trailing up and down my arm. The feeling bringing me back into my body for a moment.

I felt an uncomfortable feeling in the base of my abdomen that I hadn't noticed before. Of course the Moon Goddess would bless my heat to come on time. I probably have a few hours before my omega takes over.

I sigh as I shift towards Shoto. I know what I'm about to say won't make him comfortable. And when he tells Shinso and Kami they will be furious at my recklessness. But this is what I need.

"Shoto, I'm going to be gone for a few days." I can feel him stiffen under my words. "My heat will be here soon, and I need to be alone. I don't want anyone..." I let my sentence wander off, not looking at him.

"That isn't safe, Izuku. You won't be in your right head. What if-"

"The rogues are dead. I ended them." I snap. "I am strong enough to do this on my own." For the first time in a week, I finally felt something. Anger.

"I know that, but you don't have to be." He places a small kiss in my hair before nuzzling. "You aren't alone, Izuku. Allow your pack to help you."

I shake my head as I climb to my feet and I look at him for the first time. He looks tired with the dark rings under his eyes, I wonder how much of his pack he also lost. But here he is trying to comfort me instead of being with his pack. My leave will allow him time to mourn.

"Thank you Shoto." I say, before shifting into my wolf and running through the trees. Green caresses me as I allow my omega to direct me on where to go. To find a place that will be our home for 4 days.

Word count: 1223