What Brought Us Together

Eternal.

It was early in the morning and Virtue was at the gravesite where her father was buried. Leaning against her father's tombstone, she writes her vows in the small booklet. For where she was, she was surprisingly comfortable.

The cold was off-putting and the gravesite was depressing and no one wouldn't be remotely comfortable but for some reason, Virtue never felt more at peace. She finished her vows and then she closed the book and moved onto the college ruled note pad that she had on the side of her.

On each of his birthdays since the day he died, she would write him a letter. She felt that writing him a letter would be best since when it came to talking to him out loud she couldn't find the right words to say. In actuality, there are no right words to say. Plus whenever she opened her mouth, the cry comes out before the words. Its been 6 years but in some instances, it still feels like it happened yesterday; like today.

Exodus stayed over last night and she slept in his arms which sufficed but she constantly kept getting up. She tossed and turned all night. What made matters worse was that she had a bad dream; a dream of which she miscarried her child. She knew that it was stemming from her anxiety but she gave it to God.

God knew that she wanted and loved her baby more than anything in this world. Because of that dream she took a pregnancy test before she left the house and of course it was positive. That eased her anxiety and she calmed all the way down.

When her father died, she never been to therapy but she took therapeutic approaches virtually. She didn't have the guts to see a therapist because though she loved her father dearly, she wasn't prepared for the questions they might ask her. Nonetheless, she picked up audio journaling, slow mediation, and writing letters— just simply recognizing her feelings and sitting in them.

Though she feels that audio journaling is best, she took a strong liking to writing to her father and giving it to him. She knew that he wouldn't be able to read it but she writes him a letter splurging her feelings and put it under his tombstone. A long while ago, she discovered that his tombstone wasn't completely secure into the ground. She was able to lift his tombstone up slightly which made it easier for her to bury her letters in the dirt.

Knowing that all of her emotions, feelings, and grievances were buried with him, it made her feel like she was getting everything out. She didn't have the heart to say the words out of her mouth so writing about it sufficed. Plus it was his birthday so she was feeling a way right now.

She wrote about everything. She wrote about Exodus, Vanessa, and as of lately—having written two pages about their baby. By the time she was done, she had three pages written down. Like she always does, she folds the letter in half and put it in the envelope and sealed with a little bit of saliva.

She leaned up and lifted the tombstone slightly and slid the 6th letter under it, burying it in the dirt. She slid his tombstone back in the correct spot and she rested back on it.

"I'm getting married today," She said, looking at her ring. She slid it off and held it up. "I know we didn't talk about God often but I prayed that I turned out to be the woman you hoped that I would be. Love you Daddy." She kissed her palm and touched his tombstone.

She had been here for 2 hours and leaving the gravesite, she felt better. She cried a little bit, talked a little bit, and she healed a little bit. Each of his birthdays gets easier and easier for Virtue; healing isn't instantaneous, but it happens piece by piece and today, it felt like a piece of her has healed. She will never not miss her daddy. Missing him is constant.