What Brought Us Together

The Acknowledgement of Self.

**Content Warning: This chapter contains content about suicide/ suicide ideation.  If it upsets or triggers you, I encourage you to stop reading. Above all else, if you are having thoughts or have previous plans, I also encourage you to talk to someone. If you feel that nobody sees you, just know that I SEE you and that I ACKNOWLEDGE you. And above that, I LOVE YOU**

SAMHSA National Helpline:  1-800-622-HELP (4357)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

2 MONTHS LATER:

"Tarryn, you haven't talked in our sessions in 3 months and you've distanced yourself from everyone, but you just admitted that you have something to say? I'm all ears, whenever you're ready," Her therapist, Dr. Danita Saint said.

Dr. Saint was a licensed psyciatrist who specializes in treating depression, and anxiety, and Postpartum Depression in her patients. She's had Tarryn as a patient for at least 3 months. Tarryn's been to other therapists before but they weren't really a good fit.

With a heavy deep breath, she says, "I don't want to be a mother anymore; I can't be a mother anymore," And that was followed by tears streaming down her face.

In this part of her therapy session, she was allowing Tarryn to express herself freely with no judgement. Her space was a no judgement zone anyway but she wasn't going to hound her with solicited advice. 

"I acknowledge your statement, but lets elaborate," She gestured towards Tarryn.

With another deep breath she says, "I no longer feel fit being Winky and Bubs' mother. My mind is constantly swarming and I can't focus. My thoughts scare me and majority of them are about self harm," She admits, breaking her own heart.

"Self harm concerning yourself or the babies?" She asked carefully, wanting to clarify, and Tarryn watched her write some stuff down. She always wanted to know what they were writing.

"Mostly myself but when I get those thoughts about the babies its because they're usually crying or getting on my nerves," She reveals with her head bowed.

"Do you ever get the urge often?" Dr. Saint asks carefully again, being mindful of her tone.

"The urge to off myself? Yes, everyday but something always stop me," Tarryn know gets up and walk around in her large office.

"What stops you? And be honest," She pursed.

Tarryn leaned on her wall in deep thought. "Ephraim stops me, my mother stops me, hell, even my sister crybaby ass stops me," She bit her lip thinking about them all.

"Come sit. Lets unpack that," She pats the plush sofa, signifying that she wants Tarryn to sit back down.

Tarryn was too close to her desk where it has pens, markers, and other sharp objects on it. They were talking about suicide, and she doesn't want her to get triggered and she grabs a pen and tries to harm herself.

"Let's start with your husband Ephraim," She gestured towards Tarryn.

"I can't kill myself because I know Ephraim won't be able to handle it. Besides my mom, he's been taking care of me completely. Anything I ask for or anything I need, he gets it for me. Though the dynamic of our marriage has now changed, including his fatherhood, he still looks out for the twins too. I can't do him like that," Tarryn grabs a tissue tearfully.