F.R.I.E.N.D.S Hamilton AU

Ep 3: The One Where Mr Heckles Dies

John: Hey.

Angelica: So how was Joan?

John: I broke up with her.

John: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

Eliza: Come on, they were not that huge.

John: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

Angelica: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

Hercules: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with John on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

John: You or me?

Alexander: I got it. Uh, Hercules, women don't have Adam's apples.

Hercules: You guys are messin' with me, right?

(They all look at each other)

ALL: Yeah.

Hercules: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

Peggy: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

John: Maureen Rosilla.

Alexander: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

(knock)

Angelica: Hello, Mr. Heckles.

Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.

Angelica: We're not doing anything.

Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

Eliza: You don't have birds.

Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.

Angelica: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

Eliza: All right, bye-bye.

John: Ok, Martha. Martha. You gotta give me Martha. That wasn't about being picky.

Alexander: We'll give you Martha.

Peggy: I miss Martha though. "Hello, John Laurens."

Eliza: "Oh, my, god."

Hercules: "Oh, John, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"

Angelica: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

Eliza: We won. We won!

Angelica: Mr. Heckles.

Eliza: How did this happen?

Mr. Treeger: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.

Angelica: That's terrible.

Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.

Alexander: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.

Mr. Treeger: You never know.

Peggy: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. (Shouting) Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

John: Ok, Peggy.

Peggy: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

Hercules: Such as?

Peggy: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

Alexander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?