F.R.I.E.N.D.S Hamilton AU

Ep 1: The One Where Angelica Gets a New Roommate

[Scene: Central Perk]

Angelica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Hercules: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

John: All right Hercules, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Peggy: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Peggy: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Angelica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

John: Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

John: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

John: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Hercules: Instead of...?

John: That's right.

Hercules: Never had that dream.

Peggy: No.

John: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Angelica: And they weren't looking at you before?!

John: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Alexander has entered.]

Alexander: (mortified) Hi.

Hercules: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Angelica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Alexander: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

John: Cookie?

Angelica: (explaining to the others)

Caroline (idk who she is, just someone k?) moved her stuff out today.

Hercules: Ohh.

Angelica: (to Alex) Let me get you some coffee.

Alexander: Thanks.

Peggy: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Alexander.)

Alexander: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Peggy: Fine! Be murky!

Alexander: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Angelica: No you don't.

Alexander: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Hercules: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Alexander: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

John: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?!

Alexander: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Angelica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?