F.R.I.E.N.D.S Hamilton AU

Ep 4: The One With Peggy's Husband

(Scene: Angelica and Eliza's apartment. Eliza is on the phone.)

Eliza: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing- (a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table) OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. (hangs up) OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. (grabs a pot and lid) OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. (puts pot over the pigeon, while squealing) Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. (knock at the door) It's open you guys.

(a Stranger enters with flowers)

Stranger: Hi.

Eliza: Hi, hi can I help you?

Stranger: Yeah, I'm looking for Margarita...or Peggy? Does- does she still live here?

Eliza: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

Stranger: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. (leaves flowers on the bar)

Eliza: What? (in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away)

Stranger: Hey, how, how did you do that?

(Scene: Angelica and Eliza's apartment. The whole gang is there.)

Hercules: This is unbelievable Pegs, how can you be married?

Peggy: Well, I mean, I'm not married, married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

Angelica: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

Peggy: I'm sorry Angelica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

Angelica: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

Alexander: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

Peggy: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.

Angelica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pyjamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

All: (GASP)

Angelica: Well, didn't you?

Peggy: I might have.

Angelica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Peggy: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

Angelica: What have I not told you?

Peggy: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

Eliza: What!

Angelica: Wait a minute, who told you? (turns to John who's looking sheepish) You are dead meat.

John: I didn't know it was a big secret.

Angelica: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.

Peggy: You have a third nipple?

John: You bitch. (He death stares at Angelica)

Alexander: Whip it out, whip it out.