F.R.I.E.N.D.S Hamilton AU

Ep 16: The One Where Hercules Moves Out

[Scene: John and Herc's apartment. John and Herc are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]

Herc: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

John: That's what's weird? Herc, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

[Herc finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]

John: Waaa-aaah. (Disgusted)

Herc: What?

John: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

Herc: Yeah, so.

John: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Herc gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?

Herc: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

John: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can, open...worms, everywhere!

Herc: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

John: Because soap is soap! It's self-cleaning.

Herc: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

(John looks disgusted)

[Scene: Angelica and Eliza's apartment. Angelica and Peggy are sitting at the table, Herc and John enter.]

John: Hey.

Angelica and Peggy: Hey.

Herc: Hey.

Peggy: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?

Herc: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

Peggy: Ahh.

Eliza: [enters from her room] Okay, ready when you are.

Peggy: Okey-doke.

Angelica: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

John: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

Eliza: Yes, but you can not tell Alexander 'cause I want to surprise him.

Herc: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

Peggy: Um, I'm getting a Lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

John: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

Herc: So where you gettin' it?

Peggy: I think on my shoulder. [Alexander enters]

Alexander: What? What's on your shoulder?

Peggy: Um, a...a chip... A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.

Alexander: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Eliza] Hi.

Eliza: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?

Alexander: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right, Peggy? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?

Angelica: Alexander, come sign this birthday card for dad. Johnny is gonna be here any minute.

John: Oooh, Johnny is goin' to the party too, huh?