Devon Blue

【Ｔｈｅ Ｏｎｅ Ｗｈｅｒｅ Ｂｌｕｅ Ｐｒａｃｔｉｃｅｓ Ｆｏｒｇｉｖｅｎｅｓｓ Ｐａｒｔ ２】

TRIGGER WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER HAS CONTENT THAT MAY BE VERY TRIGGERING. TOPICS OF ABUSE, BULLYING, MENTAL ILLNESS, REHAB, ED, ANOREXIA, ETC ARE SPOKEN ABOUT IN VARYING DEPTHS. PLEASE DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THIS IS SOMETHING YOUR IN A FRAME OF MIND TO READ OR NOT. MY GOAL IS TO WRITE STORIES THAT ARE HUMAN AND EXPLORE THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE HOWEVER I NEVER WANT TO HURT OR TRIGGER SOMEONE WITH MY WORDS. SO PLEASE BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF. IF THAT MEANS NOT READING THIS CHAPTER THAT'S OKAY.

【Ｔｈｅ　Ｏｎｅ　Ｗｈｅｒｅ　Ｂｌｕｅ　Ｐｒａｃｔｉｃｅｓ　Ｆｏｒｇｉｖｅｎｅｓｓ　Ｐａｒｔ　２】

I had already plugged the address of the mental health facility into my gps and it dictated the route there.

I had only left the development my family and I lived in twenty minutes prior and I wanted to drive back on the basis of my nerves alone.

It was a cool Sunday spring morning and despite the chill in the air I rolled my window all the way down as I merged onto the highway trying to enjoy the lack of traffic that usually plagued LA. But if the chill in the air wasn't a reminder enough the usually light blue sky was filled with dark gray ominous clouds that moved sluggishly through the sky.

The city landscape was brewing with the possibility of rain.

The sun was hidden easily beyond a thick cloud cover that seemed to be strained with the decision on whether to rain or not.

It nearly matched my mood.

I allowed myself to smother the guilt I felt about leaving my family without explanation with the rational that my therapist left me with.

"What does healing look like for you Devon? What do you need to move forward?" Lionel promoted thoughtfully with a notepad in his left hand and a pen in his right. He sat back patiently letting me digest his words. I found myself fiddling with my fingers trying to figure out the problem in my head.

I never answered him because I wasn't sure I knew. But before I left his office he left me with one final word of advice.

"You don't have to know the answer to it, you'll feel it when you've discovered it. Don't pressure yourself. Don't force it and don't overthink it, allow yourself the autonomy to be convicted in your feelings." And then I left his office with the idea that somehow visiting Ryan was the right thing to do.

Despite the protest I would face from my brother, parents, friends.

All I knew was that I needed to go see him.

So with my family in the rear view mirror I took the highway that led me to Ryan.

I kept the window rolled down the entirety of the drive and allowed the cold bitter air to ripple goose bumps along my arms under my light white long sleeve shirt. The breeze him my neck unforgivingly and I allowed it so set my entire body alive, waking every cell in my body.

~~~~~~~

I found myself having made it past the security station and through the parking lot. I find myself in an almost empty lot this morning and it made me sad.

I had a flash back to the beginning of this school year when Ryan and I argued over a parking spot at the front of your school.

Sitting here in front of the building of Los Angeles Mental Health Facilities it seems so juvenile and pointless.

What the fuck did it even matter that, a fucking parking spot? How did I think fighting over a parking spot would fix anything between Ryan and I or for myself?