Devon Blue

【Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ １１．３】

Trigger Warning: Further discussion of Self-harm, Eating disorders, depression, and mention of Suicide. Please be warned the containing chapter has the following themes. If you are triggered by these topics please skip this chapter.  Let's be mindful together and build a community where everyone can feel safe in this space.

【Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ　１１．３】

"𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎, 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖𝚜; 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎, 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜."– 𝙲𝚊𝚛𝚕 𝙶𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚟 𝙹𝚞𝚗𝚐

It had been another week since I came clean with Chase. I went to therapy another time after talking to Chase.

It helped.

It didn't fix everything, but it helped.

I guess in a way it calmed down the obsessing.

What had been a constant buzz became a murmur in my brain and everything became manageable.

I told my parents. And even though I would totally understand if they were mad or even disappointed in me, they weren't any of those two things.

They were proud of me for coming to them. They understood how scared I was but that I did it anyway. They told me how strong I was for being honest with them about something difficult.

And they were proud of my progress.

It didn't feel like fucking progress. It felt like a regression.

But then Noah said something to me last night that changed everything.

And god help the man, but I would never let him go. He was mine.

He said, in true Noah fashion, "Baby Blue, would you have come to them over a relapse two years ago? Would you have been completely honest about that?" And when I realized that my answer was no to that question.

I had another realization.

I wouldn't have been in a spot to come to them. To bare my mistakes, my weakness, my vulnerability, my battle with anorexia.  I would have let the secret bury me with my shame and disgust.

But this time around I didn't.

And so, with Noah's help, I saw a different part of my progress with my eating disorder.

So, I was able to accept their compliment on my progress, with as much grace as I could muster.

But with the confession came a discussion, about how they needed to ensure I would begin eating every meal again. It wasn't easy and I didn't exactly like being told what to do but I understood.

And I respected them for it.

I knew they were learning from the things they missed last time. They were looking for signs and implementing things to help me that I didn't get all those years ago.

So, I took it in stride.

I would help my Mom with dinner 3 times a week. It would be our bonding time.

I would be okay with that. I loved the idea of girl time with that amazing woman.

I would buy lunch with Chase and eat all school meals with him. He would be my lunch buddy.

I knew they didn't want me to look at it like he was my babysitter or something. It was hard to swallow but again, I understood.

He and I would grab a meal from the cafeteria line and head over to our lunch spot. Together.