lover boy

part four

"oh. my. god." alexis says. everyone at the table stares at me. "you sat- no! you slept with nick nelson?!" i sigh. sometimes i question if i'm a physic. "i was the last on the bus and he was the only one by himself." i shouldn't have told them anything. i shouldn't even sat with them at all, i was thinking about sitting by myself but it would not only just take up room and it would make me look like a complete loser in front of nick and his friends. if they haven't already noticed that is.

"that doesn't matter." lucy says. they seems so jealous it's funny. they all have boyfriends too. i look at my food. it's just bacon. bacons my favorite. i don't look up from my bacon. food on the bus sounds awful. id make up how the bacon will give me food poisoning and i won't be able to do anything. i won't be able to move. or like cry and have to relive last night. all of which sounds like terrible decisions. i push the plate away from me. no bacon for me then. i look over at nick who's looking at me already.

i hate when that happens. i know not everything revolves around me but i wish it did. i know that sounds conceded but honestly it's not. i would have nothing go wrong and i wouldn't have to worry about what other people are doing or what other people are thinking. i look down again. he saw that. the girls are chatting some more. kamryn is dating harry and that's all she'll talk about.

"i wish i could sit with him. he's so sweet. he texted me the entire ride here." 'here' as in glasgow. the girls swoon over their boyfriends and how dreamy they are. i hate them and their boyfriends. i'm the only one who doesn't have a boyfriend. yet they're still jealous of my nick encounter.

"millie." kaylea says in a scolding tone. "yes?" i reply. "when are you getting a boyfriend?" she asks. she sounds like an overbearing aunt on thanksgiving. i don't know worry about it some more and i'll get one faster. "i don't know." i sharply say. i dont know. i don't know anything about anything. they laugh. i wish i would say something to them. i mean i could. yesterday even. i could say something. i can say something.

"can you all shut up for two seconds please?!" i shout. everyone in the restaurant stares. "i mean it. im so done with you're comments. just shut up. please."  i realize what a grave mistake that was. i walk to the bathroom shaking. i don't know why im shaking. maybe it's the nerves from last night, maybe it's the nick nelson effect. i stood up for the boy in the beanie. i did. i stood up to the girls who threw paper at me. over a couple night sleeps i lost every and all self confidence. maybe i just broke down and it was a build up of it all.

the bathrooms are gross but it doesn't bother me. i sit on the floor, knees to chest. i look at my fingers and how they bend. i'm so stupid. i ruined it all. whatever little thing i was building with those girls are gone. that might not be the worst thing. i'm so glad no one can walk in on me like this. id probably start crying. what happened to me. i miss my old self. the one that wasn't scared to eye people down and speak my mind. i miss it.

i sit there thinking about myself and my choices. i decide i'll be fine without friends i just have to be kind to everyone. well as much as i can be. i walk outside to the bus, which has people getting on. we took our bags with us so whoever wanted to move seats could, i still want to sit on bus 1702 row m. it wouldn't bother me if nick sat with me again. i enjoyed talking to him.

i lie on my back while people sit down. harry sits across to my seat. it won't be too long of a drive, we're going to museums and parks and stuff. we're already in glasgow anyway. i spot nick but i look at my phone. i hope he didn't see me. he approaches the seat. "do you mind if i sit here again?" he smiles at me. i nod. he watches me carefully like i'm going to scream and break things. i hate this.