lover boy

part twenty eight

it's june. nicks going to university in tomorrow. tomorrow. he's been so excited that it's painful. we've already packed all of his things.

"millie, how do you feel that nicks leaving?!" harry's smiling while walking towards me. it's the last day of school so no one's really doing anything.

"i'm excited for him?" i say. nicks in the toilet so harry can basically say whatever he wants to me.

"are you sure, you know you're going to be alone?"

obviously i know that. "okay."

"are ready for that?"

no. "yeah."

"you have an entire year before you can be here with him."

i'm not stupid. "okay."

nick walks up behind me. "what's going on?" he asks me, looking at all of the people swarming me.

"nothing." i say, smiling.

nick sits down next to me, he's worried for me. i can tell because he always looks at me for a long time after we talked about his university. i'm going to be fine. i say that every time i catch him looking at me.

"nick!" harry comes back towards us.

"yeah?" nick replies.

"i'm having a massive party tonight, you should come."

"alright." nicks nodding. nick doesn't like harry but he throws really good parties so we have to be nice to him.

a bit later nick asks if i want to get ready for the party and i agree so we leave. i love getting ready for parties with nick, im going to miss it. we dance and sing around while we're getting ready, i decided that i wanted to look the best i ever have a this party because i don't think ill be seeing some of these people for a while. i'm wearing a sage green dress that's loose at the bottom, it ends on my upper thigh. nicks wearing what he usually does at parties, a button up with jeans. he always looks good wearing it though.

we leave at 8:20 p.m. we get to the hotel he had his halloween party at and it's beautiful. the lights and music are blasting, per usual and theirs people flooding the floor. i never  get used to the pounding headache i get because of the lights.

harry greets us and we begin the party. "nick!" i try to shout over the music. "yeah?" hes holding my hand. "are you drinking tonight?!" i'm on my tip toes so he can hear me. "yeah!" hes nodding and smiling. "good!" i say. we walk to the kitchen so we can fix a drink. "im going to go to the bathroom!" i leave to find the toilet whenever harry catches me. he waves over to come outside with him so i follow. "where's nick?" he's smiling for some reason. "in the kitchen, why?" i say. he hands me a joint and smiles. "it's for you, im gonna miss you!" he ruffles my hair. "harry, it's fine! i don't want it." i try to hand it back to him. he gets really close to my ear,  "try it." he backs away and start to dance. i take a hit of it, i hold it in for a few seconds and i breathe it out, i cough hysterically. i finish the joint, im sixteen and the fact i've never done anything is embarrassing. i come back inside and im looking for nick. the kit meets my eye and i go to make myself a drink. i take three shots and then i make a fruity drink. everything is in a bit of haze while i walk to find nick.

i bump into this boy, he's talking to the kid with the beanie i stood up for. "hey, i know you!"
my eyes feel heavy. "and i know you!" i point to a curly dark haired boy. he's a bit skinny and is holding a plastic cup. i put my hand out, "millie."  he takes it and smiles, "charlie."

i leave to find nick, taking sips out of my drink at a time. it's really gross but im still drinking it. i find him talking to one of his rugby mates by the womens toilet. i smile and i kiss him. he smiles, "are you... are you high?!" hes laughing a bit. i nod and bring him back outside. "are you okay?" he seems concerned but i don't really no what to say. "yeah!" i'm smiling while we sit down in the circle. harry's laughing at the fact he got me stoned but it didn't bother me, nothings bothering me in this moment. nick coughs while he hands me the joint, i hit it and i cough too. we pass it around and nick takes me upstairs to a empty room. he sits me down.

"are you okay?" im laughing and my eyes feel like they're going to shut so i nod. "millie, i didn't want you to be high. i need to talk to you." it's almost like i got sober because i look at him and i didn't feel loopy or anything, i felt normal. "millie.." his eyes water up. i hold him, tucking his head on my chest. he's crying. i don't know why, but he's crying. "what, what is it?" i say quietly. he lifts his head up and looks down. "i'm sorry, it's just-" he pauses, "we just-" i know what he means. i get up. "you want to break up with me." i step back, he nods. i leave to use the bathroom. i can't look at him. i can't look at anyone. i'm even more sad than i ever have been. ever. he's left me. he lied to me. he said he never would leave me and he did. he left me. i should've seen it coming but it hit me so hard. i sit on the closed toilet seat. im sobbing. im sobbing hard.

it's been twenty minutes since nick broke up with me and i hear a knocking on the stall. "it's me!" it's charlie. i unlock the stall and he looks at me. "are you okay?" he sounds a bit uncomfortable but i didn't ask him to come in here. i shake my head. i'm not okay. he pulls me in and i tell him what happened. "hes gone now. he broke up with me and i don't know what to do." charlie nods. "i saw you come in here and i wanted to check on you." hes a bit quiet. "thank you, sorry." i say.

i leave the bathroom. i look for nick to see if hes partying or kissing some girl or doing anything, he doesn't do things like that. "do you.. do you want to come home with me?" charlie asks me, he's making me a drink. i look at him confused. "no! not like that, im gay." hes smiling, it made me laugh. "are you sure, i don't want to be a bother." he shakes his head, "no i want you to be there." i nod and take a sip of the drink he just made for me. it's good. it reminds me of nick for some reason. i look around. everything make me think of nick. i tear up thinking about him. i suck it up. nick walks past me and charlie but i can't look at him or else i'll start crying again.

charlie calls his dad to pick us up. i talk to the boy with the beanie while charlies talking to his dad. his names tao. he's the same age as me. their inviting a girl named elle, she's in nicks year but she went to higgs too. "are you alright?" tao asks me. "yeah." i say, i'm looking at my phone. nick texted me four times.

nick: i'm sorry
nick: can we talk please
nick: i love you
nick: please be safe x

if we're not together for one night he thinks i'm already dead. "who's that?" tao asks me. "it's my boyfr- ex boyfriend." i say. he nods. "oh."

charlies dad picks us up. he gives me a look, it might be the mascara that's all over my eyes or that a random girl is coming home with him but he doesn't ask me who i am, he just drives. charlies house is warm. he has a little brother, and an older sister that's in the year above us. they all stare at me while i go upstairs with them.

we watch a film and we talk. charlie went through the same thing as me, he went to the hospital and he's on medication for the same thing as me. taos not but they've been friends for a long time. elle knocks on bedroom door. "hi!" she's smiling. she has curly hair and glasses. "nice to meet you, im elle!" she hugs me. "i'm millie." i nod and smile. we all fall asleep at some point. i pick up my phone.

millie: i love you, good luck at uni 💞