lover boy

part thirty three

i wake up, my head hurts and my eyes are puffy. i rub my eyes and check my phone. it's one o clock already.

charlie: there's a party tonight if you guys wanna come
tao: what time
charlie: i think ten?
tao: okay
tao: does everyone want to get ready in my dorm
charlie: OUR**
millie: lol yeah okay xx
charlie: do you guys want to look at the town and get some coffee?
tao: yeah!
millie: sure! ill get ready now x
charlie: ttyl x

i get out of bed and find something to wear. i find a red tank top and some baggy-ish jeans. i slip my hair into two plaits. i sigh and brush a little mascara on. i check the mirror to make sure i look okay. i think i look nice enough to get out of the dorm.

i leave and double check if i have everything. i step downstairs when i run into nick and charlie. "hey, we're just about to meet everyone." charlie says, nick looks down. "i hope it's okay, nicks coming too. he knows where everything is already." charlie laughs. i laugh too, trying to not make it obvious. "it's okay, do you guys live in this building?" i ask. "yeah, nicks dorm is on this level." charlies smiling. i nod and press the button for the elevator.

charlie pokes me, "you look cute today." hes unusually happy, he's normally so-so but he's really happy. nick smiles and looks down. everyone's uncomfortable but charlie. taos standing outside of the elevator. "took you guys forever!" we all walk to the bus.

we get coffee first. nick get a caramel macchiato like he normally does. i like he still has the same order. charlie gets a hot chocolate and tao gets a cold brew. i stand there trying to decide what i want. "i'm okay." i say, i don't know what i want and i'm a bit stressed. "it's okay, it's on me!" charlie nudges me. i shake my head, "no, no, i'm
fine." i insist. he shrugs it off while i use the bathroom quickly.

i can't stand the tension. im not myself and everyone's going to find out and hate me. "millie?" nick steps into my toilet stall. "you need to eat, millie." hes towering over me, either i got shorter or he got taller because i dont remember this much of a height difference. "i know, i am eating." im better now. "you're going to die and i'm not going to be there." hes barely saying anything hes so quiet. "im fine, nick. im better. im doing fine." i try to leave the stall, he turns me and leans down so we're eye to eye. "please
millie, i can't have you die. please eat." my chest shudders. i hate he has these thoughts and it's entirely my fault. "i will." i leave the stall. i wash my hands even though i didn't use the bathroom and i go back with the group.

"did you see nick?" charlie asks me.

"no?" i lie.

a few minutes later nick comes out. "sorry, there was a line."

we leave to see the area. we look at the stores we should shop at and the fun things to do around. i
like the arcades they have here.

"i kind of want to get ready." tao says, sighing back into his bus seat.

"okay!" charlie looks at nick and me. i nod and so does nick. i tried to act normal but it's so difficult.

i grab the dress out of my dorm and walk back to charlie and taos room. they're all already getting ready but i didn't bring what i needed so i had to go back. apparently the parties at some sort of carnival but there's going to be a lot of college kids there. "we thought you got lost!" tao laughs while i walk in. "it's such a long walk!" i exhale, "ill be back im going to get dressed." i walk back out to the community bathroom. there's lots of people getting ready inside. i walk into the only open toilet start and slip my clothes off. i put the dress on. i guess i didn't realize when i grabbed it but it's the same one as the night nick broke up with me in. i haven't worn it since then.

i walk back into the dorm and i show off my dress, charlie and tao didn't realize it's the same dress but nick definitely did. he looks down and is smiling a bit. i take my hair down and i tighten my shoes, i wore my converse because i didn't want to hurt myself.

"ready?" charlie looks around. everyone nods and we leave. it's walking distance so we don't have to drive. a couple guys whistled at me as i walked by. i hate when guys do that, literally keep it to yourself do you seriously need to whistle? there's
music and people everywhere. we don't have to pay either.  charlies holding my hand while we're in line for one of the rollercoasters. i don't like carnival rides but i don't want to bother them even more so i get on it anyway.

"i'm nervous.." i squeeze tao and charlies hand while we're getting in. it's a four person ride so we can all sit together. the ride starts and everyone's shouting. i see nick glance at me but i don't look back. we get off and everyone's dizzy. "wanna drink?" charlie point to the alcohol tent. i nod and we all go to grab drinks.

we get on a few more rides when i tell them i need to go to the bathroom. im drunk out of my mind, like i can barely walk. "i can take her." nick volunteers. "are you sure?" charlie asks. "yeah, you two should go have fun." nick nods and helps me walk. we get to this building with bathrooms and a corridor inside.

we step in line. "are you okay?" his eyebrows furrow. i feel like breaking down remembering all of the times he's asked me that. a movie of us kind of plays in the back of my mind.

i sigh, trying not to break down into tears. "are you- did you- " i try to find a way to phrase it. "did i make you gay?" i ask him.

he chuckles. "no, no." hes quiet. "i guess i like both, i dunno."

my chest is pounding. i want to hug him and tell him to take back everything he said before and we can be together in college. i want him back. "did you not know he's my best friend?" im also quiet.

"no." he shakes his head.

"did you miss me?" i ask. my words are barely audible but he knows what im saying.

"of course i did, millie." he helps me move up in line.

"why'd do it?" im asking too many questions. he goes silent. im next in line. he helps me sit down and he turns around so he can't see me. i feel like crying. my body is all light but i feel a weight on me still. i flush the toilet and i wash my hands. we start to walk outside. he's holding my waist while i walk back out to charlie and tao. they're taking shots. "hey, they're moving the party back to the dorms because it's going to rain." tao says. "oh okay." nick nods. charlies drunk and so am i. everything is a blur and i can't feel my toes. 

we get back to the dorms that they're having the party at. theirs lights blast and music pumping like the parties back home. i venture off to the circle out of the balcony. i take a few hits of someone's blunt and i walk back to find charlie. i have a cup in my hand, i don't remember grabbing it and i don't know who's it is but i guess i've been drinking it. i find nick, it's pretty easy to see him cause he's so tall. i lean against tao and im smiling for some reason.

"what's in that?" charlie sniffs my cup.

"i dunno." i sigh, my vision is going in and out.

"where'd you get it?" charlie asks.

"i dunno." i collapse. my legs and arms are numb and i'm kind of just a bag filled with blood and bones. even though it doesn't feel like it.