lover boy

part twenty one

i drag my feet to lunch, i don't know how i should react to this. "millie! millie!" nick shouts. i turn around. nick is waving his hand at me. i walk back over to him. "hi!" i give him a kiss on the cheek. "how're you?" he asks me. i'm absolutely splendid, just fantastic! "i'm.. fine." he gives me a look, "do you wanna have a chat?"

he hold my hand as we walk to somewhere more private. we find a little corner that has some seats. "okay, so imogen is a friends of harry's that for some reason has a crush on me." i nod, im still trying to think about what i should do right now. "i know she has a crush on me, i don't know what to do about it and i didn't want to tell you in the institution. i'm really, really sorry. i know what it looked like, i promise you it's not like that." i'm still nodding. "okay.." i say, his hand is on my knee. i really don't know what to do about this. "i told her you're my boyfriend.." what will that help? he grins and looks down. "is that okay?" i'm so confused right now. "yes!" he laughs a bit when he says that. "is that what we are?" my voice shakes a bit because i really don't know what's happening and whatever is happening is going by so fast i can't keep up. "yeah!" he nods.

i stand up and we walk back to the lunch table. i spot her blonde streaks. she waves at nick and i, he hold my hand tighter and looks at me. "hi nick nelson!" shes very happy. she's twirling her hair in her fingers and she's chewing gum. nick leans over to grab lunch for us. it's a sandwich although i feel like i cannot eat right now. i take a few sips of water while water their interaction. a feel a hand go across my back. it's harry.

"how're you?" he asks me.

"fine?" i say, wiping my mouth.

"you're not hungry?" he's sitting next to me now.

"no, not really." he looks at me and then throws my sandwich at one of the boys walking near us. everyone laughs. "whyd you do that?"

"do what?" he's still snickering.

"whyd you throw my sandwich. i have to eat it." the 'have to' just slipped out. i meant i want to eat it, but it's true. i have to eat or else the last two months are worth nothing.

"oh," he looks around. "everyone she 'has to' eat the sandwich!"

jesus. "i meant want to." i look down. nicks not looking at imogen, he's looking at me. i'm embarrassed at the fact that i can't skip lunch or miss a sandwich.

"what do you mean by that?" harrys trying to get something out of me.

"i meant nothing by it." i take another sip of water.

"right." he gets up.

nick walks toward me and grabs his sandwich. "you can have mine." he hands it to me.

"no, it's fine!" i say. truth is, is that i don't want it. i'm not lying about that. i really don't want his sandwich. i didnt want it to begin with.

"millie, cmon." he pushes it toward me.

i nod and i eat the sandwich. everyone's watching me. why are they watching me? imogens watching me, harry's watching me, everyone is watching me eat this sandwich. "i'm going to the bathroom." i walk away. i sit on the closed toilet seat just thinking. i don't want them to think i'm crying or something because i'm not. i haven't cried since the one meltdown with dwight, it just doesn't come out. i would've cried when i left. i would've cried right now. but nothing comes out. i stand up and i leave. my head is down a little bit, i know they're all staring at me still.

"do you want to leave?" nick says, as i sit down at the table.

"i'm okay." i can't finish the sandwich. i can't finish it.

i go on with the rest of my day, i go to all of my classes. the bus drive closer to us and me and nick get on it. he's quieter than normal. the bus is quieter. harry's not talking and making rude comments. none of the kids are trying to cuss each other out. it's quiet. me and nick get off of the bus, i look up at him. he looks distraught and stressed. "what's wrong?" i say. he shakes his head.

he walks straight up to the bathroom. i  check the time, it's been twenty minutes. "nick?" i rest my head on the door, trying to listen to what's going on. "nick, what is it?" i knock on the door. it's silent in there. "nick..." i exhale. "can i come in?" i hear him sniffle. "no.." his voice is shaking. "nick im coming in." i say. i turn the doorknob, hes leaning against the sink and is crying. i've only seen him cry whenever i was in the hospital. his nose his a bit red and his eyes are too. i hold him. my hand on the back of his head and my other arm around his neck. "it's okay.." i whisper. he's crying on my shoulder. i've never seen him so upset before. "it's okay.." i repeat. "everything is okay."