lover boy

part thirty

"millie rogan!" charlie laughs. i spin around in my cap and gown bowing at charlie and tao. me, charlie, and tao are graduating tomorrow morning. it's been a year since nick left me. not only did nick leave me but a part of me left on that day.

charlie smiles at his phone, "i can't wait for you guys to meet him." his boyfriend is a year older than us and he's kept him a secret for six months.

"i'm excited to see who's been making you so giddy for all this time." tao smiles.

"what time is graduation?" i say checking my phone.

"it's at six." charlie and tao say at the same time. it makes us all laugh. im excited for graduation, i get why nick was so happy about it. it feels like im about to break out of prison.

i sit down and think about how long i've been in the uk. i feel much older than i did two years ago. i think ive grown. i wouldnt say i'm happier but i think ive just grown.

"what's on your mind?" charlie asks, adjusting his cap.

"nothing, i'm excited." i smile. charlie takes out his phone and snaps a photo of us all. i put a thumbs up and i stick my tongue out. i take my phone out also, i text nicks mom. over the past couple years she's basically become my mom. i don't live there anymore but i see her at least twice a week and we text every day. it's not because of nick, i have no idea what he's up to, she's just taken care of me for so long that she's basically my mom.

millie: hi!! it's at six tomorrow x
nicks mom: ahhh! are you excited?!
millie: yeah! i'm nervous but really excited
nick mom: good! ill see you tomorrow!!
millie: okay xx

i go to my house, i made it much more like my house. i filled it with things i love, the kitchen is filled with food and pictures. i've improved on my interior design skills.

i get in bed to sleep, it's getting late. i suddenly feel the urge to find out what nicks doing, is he happier without me? i check nicks instagram, he's on the rugby team, i knew he'd make it. he has friends, lots of them. he posts about school a lot. his captions are funny. he posts about nellie a lot too.  he has his own apartment so he can have nellie with him. i wonder if nellie forgot about me. i feel a bit empty now. i fall asleep knowing nicks okay and happy.

i wake up with texts from nicks mom, they're just pictures of balloons and saying congrats on making it. i didn't think i'd make it. it's funny how this works. i step downstairs to see if i got post. i scrimmage through it all, most of its junk until i find the letter ive been waiting for for months now. my university acceptance letter. i applied for lots of universities. i applied for university of oxford, got declined. for university of bristol, got waitlisted. for cardiff university, got accepted. for anglia ruskin university, got accepted. for newcastle university, got waitlisted. for university of birmingham, got accepted. but this university hasn't gotten back to me yet, the university of leeds. whenever people ask i tell them i love their programs but of course it's because of nick. even though it sounds psychotic, i promised him i'd at least apply, plus charlie and tao have applied. i pull out my phone to call them, i haven't opened it. the phone rings twice and they both pick up. "have you got yours letter yet?" i say, setting my phone down. they both jump up to go see. a few minutes later, they walk in with it in their hands.

"3, 2, 1," we all open it at the same time. i carefully read what it says.

'we thank you so much for applying to leeds university. we are pleased to say that you've been accepted." i cover my mouth. we all look up.

"whatd you get?!" taos hair is messy.

"accepted!"

"i've got accepted!"

we all jump around our rooms excitedly. we all got accepted to leeds. i soon realize i have to tell nicks mom that i'm not going because of nick, even though i totally am. "i love you guys, i've got to get ready." i hang up the call. i find my cap and gown to hang it up. i put on music so i can get ready. i do my make-up and my hair. i'm so happy i could cry. im graduating. im graduating. im graduating. however you say it, it sounds nice. my cap and gown are layer down nicely. i don't want to look at myself in the mirror because i'd probably think about something bad and ruin my mood. i slip both on and then look at myself. i look older. i jump around my room and get in my car.

the schools filled with people. i park toward the back of my school so i can get in with the rest of the students.

millie: where is everyone?
charlie: i'm standing by the toilets
tao: ill go over there
millie: me too

i look around for charlie, once i find him he's smiling and waving. his dark hair is pushed against his forehead. we hug and look for tao. he's running to us. "its about to start!" he repeats. we run back to wherever he came from.

there's a huge like of now-graduates. everyone's smiling and hugging. we get in line with them. we're all holding hands. "i'm nervous." i whisper. they squeeze my hand tighter. the crowd is huge. theirs parents crying and siblings laughing. i search for nicks mom, in hopes nick might be here. he's obviously not. she's waving at me. i smile and adjust my cap a bit.

"millie rogan!" mr longs shouts for me. i walk up the stage to take my diploma and shake his hand. people are applauding. its like a high, i smile and wave while i walk off the stage. charlie and tao get called and we're all seated next to eachother. there's sappy speech's by the head boy and girl and some of the teachers. we toss our caps and basically everyone's crying. i'm one of the many who are crying. everyone cheers and groups with their families. nicks mom is running after me. "i'm so proud, millie!" she kisses my head. "so, so, so, so proud!" we all have a nice time, nicks mom and i have dinner at some fancy steak house and i go home. it's been a great day. tomorrow i leave for university. i'm a bit sad, im leaving nicks mom and this town that i grew so much in.

i'm graduated and i'm an adult now. i'm leaving home. im taking full care of myself now. i have no one to lean on, it's all on me.