lover boy

part forty

"millie?!" nick shouts from down the hall.

"yeah?!" i shout back, im reading a book on my bed.

"i need help with these boxes!" it's the last day of uni. nicks trying to move all of our stuff in one go, despite what i told him. i get out of bed to go help him. nicks carrying five boxes, stacked taller than his head. i grab two of them and take them in the lift. he's breathing heavily, trying to brush his hair off his forehead.

about an hour later we finish moving all of our things and he's laying on the floor that's not ours anymore. charlie walks in, his face is red. he's been moving his things too. "jesus christ!" he exhales. "you alright?" nick asks him, charlie just answers in a nod. the air conditioning unit is broken so it's 10x as hot as usual. "where's tao?" i ask charlie. "he's almost done moving his things too." after all these years, charlie looks older. his voice barely has changed but his face is just mature. tao too, hes going a bit of facial hair which i never thought he would.

i leave to go to the toilet, i stand in front of the mirror for six minutes. i feel my face and how it moves. it doesn't look real anymore, that's probably my fault. i haven't done this in two years. i haven't had any incidents or anything bad in two years, i went to the hospital. 28 may, it was pretty awful actually but i don't want to think about that right now. i've much better since then, it's probably all of nicks 'your perfect's and 'i love you so, so much's.

i walk back into my room and everyone's just talking. it's probably because i've been with them everyday for the past four years but i'm very emotional today. i almost start to cry as i stand there watching them, they're just so happy. i wouldn't be here without them. i sit down with the group, nick puts his hand on my leg and brings me close to him. charlie and tao are sitting in front of me, they're talking about the apartments they're moving into.

"norwich is nice, i mean the work there is really good." charlie says. he's a therapist, i hope he's a better one than dr konner was. i want to stay close with him even though we're moving apart, it makes me sad.

taos moving to paris with elle. they went there a while back for an anniversary trip and they 'fell in love' with it so now they're moving there. he's becoming a director, he's going to be famous i already know it.

nick and i are moving to london, even though it's super popular, i love it there. we're driving to our brand new apartment with nellie tonight. this also means we're all separating tonight.

we decided on staying here for the day, we didn't want to go out. nicks twirling my hair in his fingers as he talks about his doctor things, i dont know it makes no sense to me but i like to pretend i get it. he's becoming a neurosurgeon, i find it funny because in rugby he's so rough im surprised his hands aren't messed up.

i watched the people we've all become. i can't believe how far we come and how far we'll go. i suddenly have tears streaming down my face. "what's wrong?" charlie sits up. i shake my head while i continue to cry, "no, no, i'm fine, keep talking. i'm sorry." i'm laughing while i'm sobbing. it's probably very strange looking. nick squeezes my hand as and try to calm myself down.

a while later, after many deep conversations and all of us ended up crying in the floor, we left. nick and i are on the road to london. he's driving with the music blasting and i'm rolled over trying to sleep, my head is doing to many things at once that i can't get myself to fall asleep.

two years ago.

i lie on the floor at the institution, i'm used to this all by now. i'm empty inside, i have nothing to look forward to. "miss rogan please get up." a woman with a needle says. i'm facing away from the door but i can't recognize her voice so she must not have been here when i was last.

four hours ago, nick was legally forced to send me to the institution. i can't really remember what happened but i do remember nick standing with me in the shower trying to keep me standing, my eyes rolling to the back of my head. i wasn't conscious, i was having a seizure. i don't remember anything else but him crying while calling the institution to pick me up from my uni dorm.

"miss rogan!" she slightly raises her voice at me. i roll over and i hold my arm out so she can take my blood. my eyes water but it's not crying, it's something else. i roll back to the position i was in before and i try to close my eyes. nicks face is the only thing i see, i open and close them to reset my thoughts but it keeps coming back. i stand up so i can walk around. i don't want to be here, i don't know what i did to be here. i forgot to eat and then i had a seizure and now i'm back where i started. i lie down on the floor and roll under the bed, i feel around the bed frame. it's the note i left.

dear past resident of the room;

thank you for this note, it's helped me understand that im not alone here. i feel like i should tell you about myself, my name is lily, im seven, i got here just now and i am scared. i know you're not here anymore and i hope you're doing something better now, i hope you have good parents, i hope you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that loves you a lot, i hope you have lots of friends, i hope you have a pet or two, i hope you're not alone like i am. im sure ill be fine in a few day, i have to get used to being here first. thank you for being here for me.

-lily

i open my eyes, nicks singing to some song on the radio. i grab his hand and we hold hands for a while, i wonder where that little girl is now, is she has what she wanted, if she's better now. i'm better now, i have the friends, the pets, the boyfriend, the support that i didn't have.

after i left the institution, i didn't tell nick much about it. i knew he cared and he probably wanted to know, i couldn't bring myself to do it.

i fall back asleep, i was thinking about nellie and the apartment. i'm excited, it's a big step forward but i think it's in a good way. i'm excited to be with nick and to start our life's together. i'm excited for the future, im hopeful and i'm happy.

i think back to whenever nick and i first met, i was so filled with hate and anger i couldn't do anything. the bus rides, the long conversations, the parties, everything. how did i become the person i am now, it's a huge difference.

we stop at a petrol station. i get out a notepad and i start writing.

what do i love?

-nick
-cats
-books
-nicks mom
-tea
-headphones
-charlie
-tao
-elle
-my life
-uni
-toast with jam
-walking with nick
-talking with nick
-living
-eating
-breathing

i love my life now, i love myself. i'm different than i was before.

nick gets back into the car and smiles, "what're you writing?" he looks at my notepad. "the things i love." i smile back at him. "that's cute." he kisses my head before he turns the car back on. i look at him for a while, he's my entire reasoning for being here now. i put him through so much and he's still here with me. i've achieved what i've always wanted, i've achieved happiness.

***

thank you guys SO much for reading this, it seriously means so much too me. this is my first completed book and i'm so happy of how well it did! i'm already working on a new project!! xxx