lover boy

part fourteen

the plane ride to millie was exactly one hour and thirty six minutes. i stared at the time the whole way there. anything could've happened while i was gone. she could've woken up and is fine, she could still be unconscious in the hospital alone, or even worse she could be awake at the hospital alone and confused. i hate that i'm not there with her.

the hospital is white and cold. it smells like sterilizer everywhere.

"excuse me? i'm looking for millie rogan." i say. my voice is shaky because i don't know what there going to say. "give me one second please." the woman says. she has dark hair and dark eyes. i could never work at a hospital. there's death everywhere. "are you a brother..." she asks me. "boyfriend." i look at her. i wonder what millie would think if she heard me say that. i hope she'd like it. "please follow me." she walks me to room 603. there's a curtain surrounding the bed. "the doctor will be here momentarily." the woman tells me.

i sit down next to millie. she's not dead, the heart monitor is beeping. i grab her hand, it's cold. well colder than normal. i shakily exhale. the doctor walks in, i stand up.

"nicholas?" the man says.

"hi, what's wrong?"

"she um, she took some sort of medication and she wasn't eating or drinking water."

i sigh. "will she be okay?"

"so far, we're thinking she'll be fine. we're keeping her until she wakes up though."

why're they unsure if she'll be okay. so far? thinking? they should know she'll be fine. "okay. thank you." i shake my head. did she overdose? i hold her face. it's pale and lifeless. she doesn't look like herself at all. i need her to be okay. i run my finger over her i.v, it's pumping something into her. she's in a hospital gown and has those itchy white blankets over her. "oh millie." i sigh.

i lie down on the couch next to her bed. it's uncomfortable but it's better than the airport seats. i fall asleep to her heart monitor. it's the only thing indicating that she's fine and that i'm not sleeping next to a corpse.

i wake myself out of my sleep every while, just checking on her, seeing if she awake. i've also been getting texts and calls from people. i'm usually active on my phone but i haven't been since i got on the plane.

millie's pov

it's dark. completely and utterly dark. there's no light and it's was nice. i sit myself up being suffocated by the air. i'm in the hospital. i dont want to look around me. i don't want to be here. it's hard to breathe. i remind myself to stay calm. i don't remember anything about what happened. did i fall? i seriously don't remember anything.

"millie?" it's nick. i see his chest shudder when i look at him. tears run down my face. not because i missed him. i'm crying because i remember what happened. i remember it all. the clock, the pills, the not eating, the darkness. i remember.

he grabs me tight. i'm now crying because what i did.

"i'm sorry nick. it's my fault. i did this to myself." i sob, gripping him tightly.

"shhhh, it's okay." i can hear his voice cracking.

"im sorry. im sorry." i repeat quietly.

after twenty minutes pass, the doctor comes in. he gives me a check up. he looks funny. like a fake doctor on halloween. nick looks concerned. he hasn't said much since i've woken up. his eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes are glued on me.

"do you remember your name?" the doctor says.

"nope, not at all!" i say sarcastically. it breaks the tension in the air because everyone laughs at little bit. i hate questions like that, even if i didnt remember my name you're really going to stress me out because i don't.

i finish my check up and the doctor pulls nick aside. i know it's not good and that when they come back, nick is going to be more upset than he already is. i can hear glimpses of their conversation, "and she took far to many drugs than needed-" "she's severely dehydrated" "bladder was about to erupt-" nick walks back in with his hand covering his mouth a little bit. " we have to do a couple more tests and you're free to go." the doctor walks out.

"are you okay?" he asks me.

im not okay. i'm ruining your trip and it's my fault. i was too lazy to get up and eat and take care of myself. "been better." i shrug. he gives me a slight smile.

"...do you want to tell me what happened?" he's gentle when he says this.

i shake my head. it's a bit embarrassing that i'm here and he had to come back from paris for me.

"okay, okay." he takes my hand. "whenever you're ready."

"is you're mom here?" i ask.

"no, she's back at paris. i didn't want to ruin her trip."

"whyd you come?" i quickly blurt out. "i mean, you didn't have to. id wake up eventually and id come back home and wait out those six weeks."

"no you wouldn't." he shakes his head.

"what?"

"you wouldn't 'wait it out'. it'd be a cycle of this. i couldnt be able to handle that."

"i ruined your trip with your mom." i exhale.

"no!" he says, he's smiling a bit.

"i did nick, seriously. i ruined it."

"millie, you didn't ruin anything. i'm sorry for leaving you. i shouldn't have done that."

hes saying sorry?! why is he saying sorry to me?! i shake my head, holding back tears. i'm so stupid for letting him into my life. he doesn't deserve me.

"its not your fault." he tells me.

i wipe my face. "you should break up with me."

"what?!"

"you should break up with me and find someone better. someone that doesn't ruin your family trip. someone that doesn't do stupid things like this. someone that isn't me. you should break up with me."

he shakes his head quickly.

"nick. please. i cannot have you go through this with me."

he's still shaking his head. "why?"

"because nick, im making you miserable! you never go out with your friends anymore, you feel like if you leave me i'll do something and look at me! i'm in a hospital bed making you leave your mom!" before i can continue on why he should break up with me and never turn back he grabs my head and kisses me. it's our first real kiss. "i'll never break up with you."

i cannot believe this all happened on my birthday.