lover boy

part three

my books is in my lap. i'm not reading it though. i'm pretending to but really i'm looking at nicks phone. he's texting his mom.

nick: im on the bus now :)
his mom: oooh who are you sitting next to?
nick: there's a girl named millie

i wish i wasn't the 'girl named millie' i wish his mom already knows about me.

his mom: ohhh is she pretty?

nick glances at me, i turn my head back to my book quickly.

nick: mom stop
nick: yeah, i think she's pretty lol

i get red in the face. god i hate being a ginger. he closes out of his phone and looks at me. "what book at you reading?" he looks like he cares. like he's not trying to mock me for reading on the bus. i feel like i resemble an old women. "'it ends with us' it's a really pretty book." i say. "can i see?" he has his hands out. they look soft. i slip my bookmark into it and hand it over to him. he carefully reads the back of it. i like how he's treating my things. it sounds stupid but hes gently holding and flipping through the pages.

"it looks really good. i should check it out sometime." i hold it in my lap. "i'll give it to you when you're ready." i blurt out. i regret saying that just because im scared what he'll do to it. i love this book. "okay." he looks happy. well actually, he always looks happy. he has that thing about him. i like that about him.

we talk for a little bit, it was just about random stuff. rugby, movies we liked, books i've read and books he wants to read, it was a fun. i look around to everyone sleeping, it's late.

"it's getting late, im tired." i laugh. i hope that didn't hurt his feelings or something. "me too." he says. the bed it so small if was hard to fit us both, we faced opposite directions.

nighttime is when my head start really moving. i guess i want my head to always be moving but not in this way. i pull my collar away from my neck. it's only been thirty minutes since we went to sleep. i take deep breaths, which is not very smart in coincidences like these. i forget how to breathe like the idiot i am. i can feel nick put his hand on my shoulder hesitatingly. i don't know what happened to my feelings and my tear ducts because i start crying, probably the last thing nick thought was going to happen, it was also the last thing i thought i was going to do.

"are you okay?" he whispers. my chest hurts. he puts his arms around me. i don't know what i'm doing. why am i crying? why is nick nelson holding me? no one would be able to answer. i let him hold me. he wraps his one arm around my waist/stomach area and he rests it there. i curl up, tucking my legs close to my stomach. i cry into his chest. not only has a boy ever touched me, but holding me!? "it's okay, breathe." he repeats. no one could hear us. i doubt he'd want them to. i wish my head would spontaneously combust right now.

i wake up, my puffy eyes examine everything around me. nicks sleeping. he looks very peaceful. i wish i was that peaceful. i don't know what sent me into the state i was in last night. i hate driving. which is weird because i used to love it. it may have been may my head thinking nonsense. it may have been the me and nick talking. i don't talk as much as i did last night. i put my head back on his chest. will nick want people seeing my head on his chest? that's the question that repeats inside my head. i think about it for a while before he wakes up. its too late to pretend i'm awake so i lay on his chest longer. it's a nice pillow. he doesn't push me off like i thought he would. he actually does the opposite. he strokes his thumb on my waist and doesn't move. i'm pretend i'm sleeping. i hope i'm doing well, i've never been good at playing pretend. the bus stops and i innocently pretend to wake up. he has a smirk on his face so i'm thinking i didn't do too well.

"how are you?" he says, looking a little bit concerned. i hate when people do that. if someone opens up to you like that, don't say 'how're you?' like you're scared of them. i push that aside and smile like everything's fine. "im good." he rubs his eyes and nods.

mr. murley has a megaphone. "good morning everyone! breakfast time!" he's far too excited as it is eight in the morning. i sigh. i really don't want to sit with the girls i'm usually sitting with. they make everything awful. plus the fact i sat with the nick nelson?! the world is going to explode.