lover boy

part eight

i walk for twenty minutes before i see cars and lights and muffled music. it was kind of nice, not being in the party but just being on the cusp of it. i walk in anyway.

i see people wearing just bathing suits. looks like a strip club. i laugh to myself. i look around for nick.

millie: i'm here!!
nick: where?
millie: i'm standing right next to the front door lol

i look around for him. i have no clue what he's wearing so i can't identify him that way. i see his heading kind of bobbing in the crowd of people dancing. i put my hand up and wave, hoping he'll see my signal. he does.

"hi!" he shouts over the music, he hugs me.

"hi!" i reply. he's wearing a beigeish shirt and board shorts. i feel a little bit stupid for coming in a dress.

"did you bring a bathing suit?"

"yeah!" i pull my dress strap low enough for him to see i'm wearing a bathing suit.

"okay, good!" he takes my wrist, stilling hurting for last nights occasion, and brings me to a more quiet space. the color changing lights are in my benefit because i didn't think to cover up the bruise.

we sit on a couch and he looks at me. i never know what to do in situations like these because i'm awkward with stuff like this. i start conversation. "have you seen harry?" i smile. "no, he's talking with alexis and them. i didn't think you wanted to see them." he laughs. i laugh too, "thank you." we continue conversation, unlike i do with everyone else in the world.

"do you wanna come with me? i'm going swimming." he says, standing up. i really don't. "sure!" i stand up too. walking over to the pool he grabbed my hand, making sure i don't get lost in the giant amount of people here.

harry and alexis' group are outside of the pool while there's still lots of people swimming. most of them are kissing though.

"oh.." he says, "sorry, we don't have to."

"no! no, it's fine!" i exclaim.

i thought he was going to jump in the pool but he walked over towards the rugby teams group. i take off my dress and i get ready to get in, before a feel my top strap release and a hand pushing my back.

no.

i blackout a little bit once i hit the water. i hear laughing and splashing at me. i go underwater and pull my top up. i don't even tie it. i grab both side of the top and i run. it's covering my chest. i run to the nearest bathroom, people laughing while i'm on the way there.

i slam the door and i jump in the shower. i cant breathe. the cold water hits my skin and i put my face and body under it. i hear someone come in, slam the door, then lock it. the shower curtain swing open and close. i don't look who it is. i'm not sure if i want to. my one hand is holding myself up against the wall and the other is on my hip. a hand touches my shoulder and reaches where my straps are. they move my hair to the side and they tie is over the back of my neck. i turn around. it's nick.

of course it's nick. he's seen me at my worst already and now he's seeing it more. he must think i'm absolutely insane.

i wait for him to say something before he brings me into his chest. i'm wet, he's dry. i cry into him, per usual.

the funny thing is is that i never cry. before nick at least, i never cried. i had my normal panic attacks where i can't breathe and i freak out on the inside, but no one around me would really notice. it's happened at school, on a plane, at dinner. it's happened pretty much everywhere. ever since the day on the bus i've been crying.

he holds my head and says i'm okay. he knows how to deal with this. he lifts my head while i'm still crying.

"what happened?" he asks me. i breathe for a few seconds, in and out. he's still holding my head. "she-" i breathe again because i'll cry harder if i didnt. "she pull my top strap off." i bite my bottom lip so i can focus on my lip hurting instead of what i just said.

he looks at me, he looks at my face, he looks at my wrist. he doesn't say anything about it. he brings me into his chest again. i don't cry this time, i let him hold my head and stroke my hair. we stand like that for ten minutes, cold water still running.

he finds a towel for me, i sit on the toilet seat closed while hes out looking for one. he locked the door on his way out so no one came in. four people tried. i hear footsteps and someone mess with the door handle. "it's me, nick." he says over the muffled pop music playing. i reach over and unlock the door. he brings back a towel for me, giving me a reassuring smile. i return one. "thank you."

i can't tell if he's so quiet because he's mad or embarrassed for me or something. it might be because he saw my chest and doesn't know what to say about that. i hope it's not that.

"are you okay?" he asks. he looks genuinely concerned.

i sigh. "im sorry for what i just recently put you through." those ten words seemed like it punctured the silence. he looks down while he's sitting on the bathtub corner. his elbows are on his knees and he's leaning against them. he looks up at me and smiles. "you shouldn't be sorry."