lover boy

part twenty two

my stomach growls at me. nicks laying down next to me. his fingers trace my surgery scars on my stomach that's been shouting at me. i don't know what upset him so badly. probably something i've done. its getting late but i'm not tired yet. i hate something i did upset him so badly. my stomach roars again. i'm not hungry. i think it's just from earlier. nicks mom is out on a business trip so we're home alone. "do you want to eat something?" he asks me, still brushing his fingers over my stomach. "no." i whisper. the thought keeps sweeping my brain. nicks upset because of you. it's a broken record. i hate everything that just came into my head. i sit up. "nick."

"yeah?" he looks up at me.

"i should go home i think." i don't know why i say this. it might be because of my stupid brain. i'm not myself.

"what?"

i get up and start grabbing my things. i feel like something just took over my body.

"millie, what are you doing?" he sits up while i grab my bags.

"i'm gonna go home.." i say under my breath. "sorry." i leave his room. i storm off out the door. i can hear nick following me but i don't turn back.

"millie! what are you doing?!" hes jogging after me. i'm already in the street. he catches up to me and looks at me. "millie.."

"nick, im going home. you should be by yourself with nellie." what's coming out of my mouth?

"what do you mean?"

i stop in the middle of the street. "i mean im a horrible person. im serious im an awful human being. i've been overwhelming you for six months. i don't deserve you. you're the kindest and the most loving person i've ever met and im an awful person." i continue to walk. "nick, go home."

nick stops. i can't tell if he's gathering what i just said or if he knows i'm right. i walk myself back home. i should he crying right now but nothings coming out. i feel like i'm stuck. my house is just like i left it. i run to my room. i don't want to be in this house. i dont want to go somewhere else though, i don't know what i want. i like i'm going insane, like im absolutely deranged.

nick: please be safe. xx

i know what he means by 'please be safe' he means don't take pills when you haven't eaten, he means don't be an idiot and end up in the mental institution again. that's just great.

i lie in my bed. i haven't slept yet. it's been five hours since i left nick. i don't want to believe i really did it. i don't want to believe that i can be so stupid to leave my life support.

i look over and remember i've left my pills that im meant to take. fantastic. nicks been texting me. i don't think he's been sleeping either.

nick: millie don't do anything dumb
nick: are you coming to school
nick: your clothes are still here
nick: so is your laptop
nick: i can drop it off in the morning
nick: millie please be safe.

i haven't answered him, i know it's rude and that he cares about me but i don't want him to care about me. he shouldn't care about me. i want to lie down in this bed till i'm an elderly woman and i have no responsibilities and my children can take care of me. i hate children. i don't hate them i think putting them through whatever i'd make them go through would ruin them and id have messed up kids.

my doorbell rings. i'm too lazy to get it and i'm also too tired. i let it ring for a bit and then it stops. im going to sleep here until someone physically makes me get up.

"millie, millie please get up." nick shakes me. i open my eyes. "you didn't come to school for the past two days. i've been texting you."

"what?"

"you've been here for two days." of course i've been sleeping for two days. i don't even know how it's possible that i can just sleep like that. "i brought you food." nick hands me a bag of food. "thank you." i rub my eyes and i roll over. nick starts to walk out of my room. "you can stay with me if you want to." he stops. i mumble something inaudible and then i say, "like... in my bed... with me." i feel the bed move and he's laying next to me.

"nick?"

"hmm?" he says.

"you know i love you, right?"