lover boy

part six

we arrive back at the school around 9 pm. i'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. i have to walk home. by myself. i say bye to nick who's getting 'oooed' and 'awed' by the rugby team. my headphones are over my ears. music is the best thing on my ears. my hood is up, and i'm humming to the music. it's pretty cold. well it is at least for me, considering i've been in the humidity of florida my whole life. i feel like theres eyes on me. i walk a little bit faster. the wind blowing against my face. it says i'm nine minutes away from my house. i walk faster to a pace closer to running than walking. my eyes water from the wind.

i get to a close three minutes from my house. i can see other houses. i get to one brick house, i like that house. i feel more safe being near houses, so i slow my pace down. i hear footsteps. and i swear to god i'm the stupidest person alive whenever i think about it because i turned around and said 'hello?' someone snatches me back behind a house.

please god, i know im an awful person and i attack those girls today and i judge everyone. i won't do it anymore as long as you let me live right now.

i beat against their hands. trying to break free. i have no muscles at all. i can't lift anything for the death of me. well, it might just be the death of me and i can't get this person get off me. i could tell by the grip he has on me it's a boy. i'm screaming. he shoves me into the garbage cans. i cough. he has a black mask on. he has dark eyes, basically black. he didn't have a weapon or anything, im slightly relieved by that. his fists are clenched though.

"don't make a noise." he says. he takes off his mask. he has a gorgeous face. what is going on. "pretend you know me."

he walks me into his house through his garage. he has a strong grip on my wrist but he put both of our hands into his hoodie pockets. i'm shaking. two middle aged people come say hello, one man, one woman. his parents?! what is this man doing right now. i smile despite the complete terror i'm actually feeling.

he walks me up to his room. "try to leave or make a noise," he stops. he walks out. my hands shaking, i dial 911. i cannot call 911. i'm not going to call nick after what he just witnessed. i don't want to bother anyone. it's nine o clock on a friday night and i'm all alone. in some random guys house. being threatened. i make another idiotic decision, i put my phone back in my pocket. why does this stuff happen to me? all i wanted was sleep in my bed. im now in danger. why me?

he walks back in. my hands are still in my pockets. "now, you're going to sleep in my bed. my parents will come check on us at some point, stay here." his voice is chilling. this boys parents are coming to check on us. are you kidding. im scared to know what will happen if i leave, im in his parents house though. what's the worst that'd happen?

i sit up on his bed. i look at my wrist that has extensive bruising on it. my breath shakes. he's talking to his parents. he comes back in. he grabs both wrist now and holds me against the bed. he's kissing me. hard. i pull away and scream. "shut up!" he whisper-yells. im scared, i don't want something worse to happen to me. i let him kiss me. i fall asleep after while. i remember being numb for a few seconds and then everything went black. only he knows how long it took for me to wake back up but it's still night because it's dark. he's grabbing my waist. "let's go to bed." i nod. i lay on my side, facing away from him. he holding my leg. what am i going to do. i harness the fact that i can't leave with him awake.

i wait for him to fall asleep. i roll over so his hand will natrually fall off of me. the windows already open. i press my finger against it. there's a screen. great. sometimes my head thinks of things that is absolutely stupid and wrong. this entire thing has been one. honestly i feel like i'm constantly living in that state.

i sit on the windowsill. i look at him, i look outside, i look back at him and i ram myself into the screen. i tumble down the roof and then i fall on the floor. i cant breathe. i cough and i run. i run faster than i could possibly run. he's not chasing after me. he's standing at the windowsill i just flung myself at. i've never seen such an angry face. i run into my house. i lock the door. i lock the windows. i lock my bedroom door. and then i cry. i cry and i cry. i cry about things that happened years ago and i cry about things that happened moments ago. i hate this.