lover boy

part eighteen

"i been stuck here for two weeks. last time i was talking about two weeks was when nick was going on vacation. fourteen days. 'only fourteen days' i said. fourteen days. ive been talking about myself for fourteen days. i've been forced to eat all three meals for fourteen days. i've been staying up as long as i can for fourteen days. it's embarrassing honestly, i will have to come out of here saying that ive stayed in the mental hospital for longer than fourteen days. the bed ive been sleeping on has gotten harder, colder. the people ive seen have acted like they've cared for fourteen days. i hate that i'm here, i hate everything right now." the group suddenly got quieter and the man with the mustache that we call dwight puts his things down. everyone stares at me like i've grown two heads. "o...kay." he smiles. fantastic another fake smile. i'm in hell i swear to god.

my medication has made me really 'tune in' to what i'm thinking about my experience. i seriously need to get out of here.

"i'm going to the bathroom." i exhale getting up. i walk to the bathrooms where there's seven woman security guards watching us. everyone has to shower with someone watching and everyone has to use the bathroom with someone watching you. like i said before, your every move.

"excuse me, i need to pee." i say. most of the woman guards are super buff.

"it's great to see you, millie." the guard sarcastically says. i cussed her out last week. i give her a fake smile.

i sit down on the porcelain with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. she's just staring at me. "please turn around, i can't pee with you watching me like that." i don't make eye contact with her. i feel the intense staring turn and i begin to pee. usually i have someone else who will automatically be turned but see never does.

i finish and i go back to group. everyone's drawing a picture of their favorite thing. i drew nick and i. "i look your picture, millie!" dwight smiles at me.

"thanks." i say, sitting back down after my meltdown.

"who's that?" he points to nick.

"it's my boyfriend." i am always short with dwight in hopes he'll end the conversation.

"have you seen him recently?" i sigh at the fact he's still talking.

"yes, i have." i turn my back towards with and i out my head down on the table.

the phone rings. "hello? yes this is dwight. millie? yeah sure!" i move my head towards him. "you have a visitor!" he says, pointing out the door.

the group room is right next to the visitation room so it's not a far walk. i quickly step to the room. i know it's nick. the guard that's always there gives me a fist bump, i think we're alike. anytime i talk to him he seems like he doesn't want to be there. neither do i.

"nick!" i smile running towards him.

"walk!!" a woman shouts at me.

i slow my running down to a fast paced walk and i give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"i missed you!" he's smiling.

"me too!" im red in the face.

nick visits me every other day to keep me updated on things like school work and rugby and his mom.

"harry got suspended!" he's laughing a bit.

i gasp and put my hands over my mouth. "why?"

"he shouted at a teacher and said that he wouldn't do the work." nick smile is huge.

it makes me laugh because of course harry would do that.

"what's going on with you?" his excitement calms a bit.

"umm..." i think about what i should and shouldn't tell him. i definitely shouldn't tell him about my meltdown just a few minutes ago and i probably shouldn't tell him that i had to be restrained yesterday for threatening some woman. "they put me on a new medication."

"what for?" he's a bit concerned.

"uh.. for sleeping."

"millie! you have got to be sleeping." he looks kind of disappointed.

"i know, i've been having trouble." i sigh, leaning back in my chair. "but..." i pause for a few seconds, "they let me have a hair tie!" i hold up my wrist that has a hair tie on it.

he claps and is smiling.

"i told them i couldn't sleep with my hair all over me, so they let me have it." it's actually a major accomplishment for me.

"time!!!" the same woman that told me to walk shouts.

i sigh and give him a hug and a kiss.

i drag my feet back to the group therapy room. the guy i like doesn't really talk he just gives me a fist bump every time i walk past him. i put my hand on the door and i walk back into the room to see dwight. i guess im visibly upset because he walks up to me and asks what's wrong. the bell for everyone to leave rings and everyone scatters out. im standing in the middle of a rainbow rug and my arms are at my side. "tell me." he says. i flop onto the floor so that i'm crisscross on the rug. "i hate this. really, like i have no reason to even be here. i feel wrongfully accused and now i'm causing nick to have a bunch of stress. he should break up with me. he should. i hate i'm here in this stupid mental hospital. i hate i'm having to take seven pills every morning and every night. i hate i'm here. i hate the woman that watches me pee. i hate mrs linda. i hate your fake smiles. i want to leave. i need to leave." tears seemed to have been falling down my face and he's just watching me breakdown, right infront of his eyes.

"maybe that's why you're here.." he collects his glasses and his clipboard and pen and he walks out leaving me in tears on the floor.

stupid dwight.