lover boy

part thirty nine

we sit in silence, i don't know how to respond because that's what i wanted to hear but it's not what i expected. he looks at me every few minutes but then he turns back to watch the road.

"what would you say?" he turns to look at me.

i look at him but he's already turned his head away. "that we're together." i say in the same tone that he did.

"okay.." he nods. "so we've decided that we're together?"

"i guess we have." i say, turning a little bit red.

we get back to our dorm and charlies waiting for me.  "millie!" he exclaims, hugging me. i forgot about their relationship and what they are, i wonder if i should say something. we get to their dorm so we can all kind of hangout and just have a nice time. tao and elle are watching some random film and nick, charlie, and i are all playing uno. "i got you!" i say, placing a 'plus four' card down for nick. he groans and picks up four cards. charlie finds this very funny. we play a little while longer, nick ended up winning because he had all of the wild cards.

"you're cheating!" i laugh. charlies laughing too. everyone ordered pizza so everyone's eating it. i hate pizza but i still eat it so i don't look bad. i watch everyone and how they're acting, i know that sounds like serial killer behavior but it's different, i just do it so that i can see how i should act. i feel like i know a lot of things but really i don't, tao pointed up how difficult it is to do special effects, nick explained all about his rugby things and how it works, charlie was talking about how the mind works or something (i'm not really paying attention to that), elle's telling tao about people from her year and the drama about that, and i'm doing nothing. i love doing nothing. i think i'm much different than how i used to be two years ago.

i'm sitting on the floor in the college i've been wanting to go to with my boyfriend, my three best friends, and myself. i didnt think i'd make it here but i have. i'm alive and doing well.

i wonder if fifteen years old me would be proud, i still have some of her issues and some of her thoughts but i think she'd still be proud of me. i wonder if my parents are proud of me, not like they know anything. i wonder if nicks mom is proud of me, im sure she is. i wonder if sixteen year old nick is proud of me, the one i cried on many, many times, the one that i shouted and punched at, the one that saw me at the hospital almost everyday, the one i practically died on every month, i wonder if he's proud of me.